BEAUTIFUL LIFE
Friday, January 1, 2010
Goodbye 2009 ~
It's a brand new year with a brand new start! This 2009 is a really really down year for me. This morning He brought me back to the time when the greastest miracle happened to me which I witness, but I think it was back in 08. I was prayed for. At Bras Basah. I remember the First Love. The First Joy. I wanted to proclaim to the whole world of this joy I had.
Why couldn't life be that simple? All I want is just a stable and normal life where I can live healthily and grow well. It doesn't matter if I have only a little, just enough...but yet it's so difficult. Even if I wanted to go for the study, I got to tell Him how much I want to this year, how I got to beg in tears, how if I am able I'm willing to do anything...
I just hope there's someone I can pray with everyday until I breakthrough. Someone who is willing to talk to me and give me the courage to live on. I don't want to cry everyday like this. Everyday is a torture. Because 2 is better than 1.
2009= ?? buckets of tears
Why is it that it can be so easy for others but just simply difficult to near impossible for me? It has always been 2 options: either to live or die. Nearing the end, I've reached a stage where it doesn't matter...either way I'm dead. Unless there's a miracle.
I realized that the solution which I concluded is something which I cannot control. First you can't force someone to love you. You can't control the nature of life. You can't change yourself overnight. While they dance in joy, I weep in sorrow. Because I'm not perfect.
Once and for all, let's walk through 2009 and say goodbye~
I thank God that it's this year I make many sacrifices and started on a journey with Him. From the beginning I was struggling at work and choosing to leave and also then that I am able to be more committed to service. Before that in 2009 the kind of life I was living, trying to overcome many many hurdles...how I got to know a new kind of people - spiritual. How I start to adapt to a renewed life. How some of them used to encourage me to bravely walk this far. How I made certain decisions...risked my all...It a year where I lost my home and found again. The time when I got depression, cried, super weak..I remember that time he told me it's like the stock market. Can it get any lower? Fortunately it always ride out all the crisis overtime. The time when I realized no one can help me except myself...praying...crying...wanting to kill myself...telling myself I want an end. Being rejected, being a fool, suffering alone, heartaches...
However God is still faithful...though many downs but there's still some ups. Did many new things and shared many memories with people especially my cg. Though I met many evil people, I believe He is still protecting me from what could be even worse! And 'no weapon formed against me shall prosper'! The greatest enemy is myself!!! When I'm fearful, I would always look forward to the place of love...to be hugged...to be free of all the burdens...the outings...the KinderJoys, cards, letter, games...the zone camp, birthday celebrations, I hope I can remember them all forever!
2010, I hope I won't be lonely anymore. It will be exciting and fun. I just want to be happy. Happy no matter what. I want to fall in love with my new life once again. I want to love my God whole heartedly and love my people fervently.
He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in their hearts, yet so that man can't find out the work that God has done from the beginning even to the end.
Ecclesiastes 3:11Labels: Current Affair, Event, People
take my HAND; and GUIDE me through *hold me TIGHT; and NEVER let go*
