Beautiful Life

Love Letter

2011-05-07T23:50:00.001+08:00

Dear God,

I am very sad, hurt and angry now. My soul is very burdened by current affairs. Before I turn to Your Word for comfort, I’m coming here to share with You how I feel now.
I’m really very frustrated with the actions of certain people. God, why are they like that? How can they do this to me? Why do they do such thing?!
Also I’m very discouraged when everything I’ve hoped dearly for failed. Like they did not come to pass. These are what I really want and I’ve been praying… God, when will they really happen?
Today I really hope to fellowship with my cell group but in the end when I’m sad and need some encouragement, my spiritual family is not there for me. Even some friends I hope to spend some quality time with ‘disappear’. I feel very lonely in church. The closest people always hurt the most. But I know I play a part too. I’m sorry if I have not done well, again.

God, can I try again?
You know all those who have done me wrong/hurt me… God help me to forgive them.
Today message about blessing through suffering kind of warm my heart. It reminded me that You are still here. Maybe nothing else of those matters anymore… God, will You reply my letter? What can I do to strengthen myself through all these disappointments?
God You know as I write this, tears keep rolling down my cheek. Some things lost can never be found again.

Where can I find the motivation, to live again?

Love,
Me

Sweetest Devotion

2011-03-28T13:39:00.001+08:00

It’s been a special month. I’m going on a roller coaster ride again. I don’t know how things will turn out but I’m trusting God… whatever that has happened, happens for a reason, for my Good… and I believe that God will give me the best. Oh… give me a break! He said, "It's understandable how you feel now, after going through such...but just try your best, do your best, and I will carry you through.." Stay tune!

010111

2011-01-02T01:31:00.002+08:00

2011 has been great so far. Whatever has happened in 2010 are past. The ending of 2010 was indeed better than the start. The most amazing thing was I enrolled to Sot and graduate on this same year. And the miracles that happen after that. Even though I’m in constant struggle but each time I emerge stronger and better than before. I definitely grew up a lot from 2009. It was a year I made many courageous decisions and experienced the worst. Now the thought of what I went through in the past made me very sad. I can’t imagine how I manage to live till this day to be where I am…

I suddenly remember about the diary and really found it…memories of the past flood back. 2009 was also the year I got to know God better, and I found another group of friends. Beginning of 2010 I lost my bag. But end of 2010 I received a lot. I’m thankful I still have my wallet and cell group has helped me with some items too. Now I’ve received many gifts from people (big & small) and in many ways including the teaching of Word and spending time with baby.

God is still Good. Sweet. Faithful.

Later part of 2010 was like a brand new life. It was…hmm…Great! All these are precious moments. I miss and cherish each moment…

2011 is special. Because something is going to happen, soon. Visions & Dreams! The heavenly sound of “Amazing Grace” came from no where and I thought the angels are here and Jesus is back! I almost quickly rush out of the toilet to see..LoL

2011 I can do better. I cannot give up. Surely things will be better. Greater things have yet to come!
What are you dreaming? =)

HUGsss

2010-12-08T00:56:00.003+08:00

How should I start? It has been really long since I wrote something..

Hello World!

I’m here just to say that I need a HUG right now.
All I ever want, All I ever need, All I ever have is U.

I just want to smile and wish I can be better.
I just want to feel better..

Please Pray for me,

Thank you.

Goodbye World!

He has made everything beautiful in its time.

2010-10-03T14:21:00.003+08:00

It’s one month after Sot. So far it has been a great month and I thank God for every beautiful memory. What makes it so happy is the gift. Giving gift is an act of love. I love the gifts. Gifts are special.
I need to work and study harder. Maybe it’s also time to take break and have some fun and outing. Looking forward for more adventure trip and of course shopping! Wooo.. excited now..

It’s a month of appreciating one another and serving others. God is good. Even when I’m bad, He is still good. But he who trusts in the LORD will be prospered.
Thank you God for all Your blessings. A God that heals. Isaiah 40:29-31

Most importantly, I miss BaBy! I wish I can spend more time with him and love him more. He likes to smile and gets excited, making me excited too! LoL
Yeah trusting Him and believing in better things…

And now abide Faith, Hope, Love, these three; but the greatest of these is LOVE.

Start of a New Chapter

2010-08-30T13:47:00.002+08:00

Sot ended. There is so much to say and I don’t know where to start. But one thing I know – I miss Sot. I misss every single moment.. from my morning marathon to the train ride. To be happy or sad? Though I’m glad I AM in sot but it’s also a very very heartbreaking period of time for me. Like what they say it is not the end but the beginning. It is the start of a renewed life, the birth of a dream, a fresh new start!

God, I want to thank you for these past six months. I still remember on my very first day I attended Bs, and now people life transform. I couldn’t get use and kept falling sick. And the wilderness experience. Each time the trials get more and more challenging till I seriously don’t know what else I can do and if there is still life ahead. There are times when I have nothing more…nothing else and I wonder if I should quit. I had no money to eat and travel. Once sis blessed me with a bread for dinner. And topped up a $20 to my travelling card. If not I could not go home. At that time, I truly experienced what is love and thankfulness. I was on the bus holding the small bread tightly and weeping. It’s just a small bun. But this bread (cost less than $2?) – one filled with love, kindness and goodness was priceless to me.

After a period of time, as condition gets worse, I eat lesser but I thank God that I did not get ill. In fact I’m surprise with the strength I received and that what keeps me alive is really by the power of the Spirit. I wish I can remember every single detail. So that I can exclaim how miraculously He brings me through. Many first times too! I'm sure more to come.

To quit halfway or not? Much disappointment, rejection… but when I am weak, I am strong. To add on betrayal, separation, a hell of nonsense… who cares? Fighting battles alone is really…WOW. A quitter never wins. A winner never quits. I want to breakthrough. I want to win through my struggles. Hence what came next really was like WOWwww. “Hell” “Valley of the Shadow of Death” ,you name it. Well I may not understand, but I trust that God has a purpose for me. Yes it is painful. But our God is our healer.

No matter what God is still faithful and He LOVES me. He knows all things and is powerful and He will always be with me. There are so many things to share! Before I close this chapter, let me go through everything once again – from standing on stage to receive the ‘gift’ from Pastor Kong, being an Sot graduate, empowered, equipped, responsibilities, salt & light…

Oh not forgetting my assignments and quite happy with my grades (surprised with my preaching score! Heeeee), ministry, overall everything is GOOD!!! Because God is Good. I may lose many things but I trust that He will give me even better things. What else? Oh there is so much to share I wish I can share them to bless others!

Am I transformed?
How have I changed?
Hmm…from the first day to the last day…

Greater things have yet to come. What is ahead is surely better than before and now. Yes I can still hope. Thank You God….. I love you too :)

Healing

2010-07-25T22:44:00.005+08:00

One kid drew this for me. He calls it “Lei Gou”.

I’m so touched! Guess how old is he? :P
He’s so cute and funny. It’s really a joy to listen and talk to him.
I like the joy on their face. Happy just playing with the balloon and running around.. Who ever made them cry? Broken…unwanted…unloved…
A boy showed me his “essay”. He pulled me close to him and patted my back, and whispered something to me. I was shocked! He knew? The feeling is indescribable.
He’s really smart though he’s special.

Dear Jesus,

Please help me to love them all. Bring forth the light in me, that I may so shine and be their light…
Teach me in the way I should go
Show me Your Way.
Amen.

I will keep Praising You! You know and You know…

I will wait...
Tired. I need rest.

Come what may, I’ll kill you!!!

P.E.A.C.E

2010-07-12T21:45:00.005+08:00

Just thought of dropping by for a visit. So much has happened and I know God has planned it this way for me. From the first day till now, I have so much to express what I’ve been through. But I wish it would never end. I enjoy my mornings with Him, though how tired it is…how I learn obedience through suffering…the times when I went through hell, how I walk through the valley of the shadow of death…oh gosh I don’t want to think about it now…

But I’m so excited to share! I hope I can remember it forever…once in a lifetime. I love the Holy Spirit. I love my Angel. Today, I like the Peace. It has helped me to cool down and I feel happier. I also want to thank God for healing my painful heart. :)

Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. – John 14:27

Everything is still messy, but I really don’t want to think about it now. I just want to enjoy this Peace. Peace, please stay and be with me! Whatever that happens, surely I will pull through. Maybe I never know, maybe one day I’ll ask Him…I just don’t understand. Well perhaps time will tell.

I don’t want the burden and fear. Maybe I shouldn’t care anymore… Can’t love be happier? ~

Today I’m inspired by the 4 speakers. I will..
Dare to Dream
Have the Courage to Believe
A Heart to make it Happen!

(The above are not the points of his message, but my random words)
I will help others with their dream and make it come true!
And he mentioned they started with 5 members. All it takes is LOVE. Love is really the foundation of all things. A Great Leader =)
Reminded of what Pastor Kong said during AC…I will be super duper touched…he gives us the freedom to do what we want, make choices...despite knowing we may fail, make mistake along the way, whatever happens, even when we fall/fail know that he will be there to support us, be there for us, and pick us up again. WOW!!! Though he doesn’t know me personally, but this assurance just warms my heart.

Action!

Hold my hands and walk with me

2010-06-23T19:41:00.002+08:00

... keep trying every single day…even if I may keep failing, but one day I’ll walk through it. He’s there to keep telling me “No, I’m not alone in this” Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil. Because He is my Shepherd. And a True and Good Shepherd never leaves His sheep.

Even how much they attack, I’m still strong. I may lose my courage but I’m finding it back again… I got to learn to practice what I preach.

SO now, tears please stop, faith you come.
Now, I just got to force myself to eat and be strong again.
And work hard.

Please stop tears…I need to rest my eyes…

I WILL, I CAN. Because I am a child of God.

Faith, Hope, Love

2010-06-20T19:37:00.004+08:00

我真的好想哭!
If blogging will send this out, I hope that it will be transmitted to Heaven...
Then I feel hopeful, maybe He will tell me or show me. I know you must be tired of this…but believe me, I’m really trying. And struggling, very difficult. Hence I can only blog…I often have this image I’m standing on this big open land. Many weapons come, flying everywhere. I’m hit, struck, but I did not fall, my body is shaking, going to collapse, but I did not fall. I am standing. It just reminded me of Ephesians 6:13.
In the end, I’m filled with blood, cuts, tormented till I couldn’t even recognize myself…but I’m still standing bravely. Even though I’m standing, but I’m internally tortured and bleeding.

Maybe someday I’ll be able to walk out…I don’t know when. Maybe soon. But it’s also this that I realize who are the people who truly love and care. Who I am to them. And who I am to them is different from who am I to God. Only perfect love comes from God. Maybe I did many nasty things to them. I never really know how to love them, or show them. I always want people to be real yet I am not true to them. I can only pray they will forgive me just as I forgive them. I’m really sorry I did not play my part very well.

But if I can have a chance, again, I want to start all over again…
Can I?

Thinking about it gives me a glimpse of hope. I want to start showering my love to them, every one of them…giving them happiness, experiencing joy and laughter…isn’t that what ‘I can’ do? But can I? Do we all share the same space for growing?

Many times I know He’s there to heal me. He just stood there quietly without saying anything…many times I wonder why…I hate it to face it all alone…but then I grow stronger each time…

People, please please give me a chance to tell you how much I love you. Even if you may not love me as much as I love you, I still want to thank you for playing a part and being so important in my life. Forgive me if I have hurt or made you angry in anyway…as I’m learning…it’s so difficult for me to do certain things but if that’s what you want…because there are so many things I don’t know.

Please be strong…jiayou…you can because they say you can. One day, you’ll be healed in Jesus' name!

I am Daddy's brave girl!!!

I know you.

2010-06-06T10:47:00.003+08:00

“…and he calls his own sheep by name and leads them out…and the sheep follow him, for they know his voice…”

“I am the good shepherd; and I know My sheep, and am known by My own…My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow me…”

I have a home :)

'..My strength is made perfect in weakness.'

Miss AC

2010-05-31T17:33:00.006+08:00

I’m back from a 5 full days power packed conference! It was quite an experience for me..my first time AC & CGI. Something is happening in another realm, though I can’t see it now but I can feel it is coming. It’s about to happen, beyond what one can think or imagine! And I’m back to reality, work is piling up but what’s more important is the spiritual nourishment throughout the whole conference!
There’s so much to learn indeed. It’s kinda stretched (fortunately Sot provides a foundation), financially too but I’m thankful that I went though everything. It’s a test of tolerance, patience, strength and faith.
I like the atmosphere of love and order. I thought it would be a chaos with mass of people everywhere, but I’m amazed by the discipline and leadership of the church. Thumbs up for all the staff, volunteers, ushers, security and everyone who played a part to make it a Wowwow. Serving with the China delegates was fun. I finally know how far I can with my language and the characters. Well I think I did pretty well, they were thankful and rather independent so not much of a problem. I wore the gown when serving at the Sot booth. Haha some of them even took pictures with me.

Although most of the time was spent queuing, but I’m thankful to be able to queue with my cg and friends. It’s scary to queue alone…well God is with me anyway… Fighting for Hall 8 =)
The opening with the Parade of Nations was like WOW! It was very grand and formal. Serious yet fun. At the end of the day my throat was a little hurt from screaming. First day is usually the most exciting and next day I was so tired. Finale was a blast! But it’s only through such time there’s breakthrough. I’m growing stronger day by day. Blessed by speakers like A.R.Bernard, Steve Munsey, Phil Pringle, Yonggi Cho, Reinhard Bonnke, Pastor Kong.
I only managed to attend 2 electives. Creative Preaching and Women’s Ministry. Yea I’m learning how to preach and how to be a woman.

I also began to understand certain things and the hearts of men. Who are the people you can trust, who is there for you at your darkest hour, how strong can a person be…etc
ATTACKS,
ATTACKS,
and ATTACKS!
and it’s crazy! I got to be strong in my decision. God, I’m trusting You. I believe I can do it. Perfect Love casts out all fears.
Everything’s gonna be all right, and good. Amen.

Why are certain things like that?

It's gonna be ALL GOOD

2010-05-13T23:33:00.002+08:00

I need a MIRACLE now.
I wonder how I’m going to overcome and climb over this hurdle and obstacle.
I seriously don’t know.
For the first time in my life, I’m really at a loss…

God, I don’t know what to do…and I don’t want to face this alone.
I don’t know what will happen.
GOD…..

I can right? I always do my best right? I can still walk on, a little step by a time right?
I don’t have to be afraid right?

But I feel so no strength now……

What should I do?

……….

Walls

2010-05-10T21:45:00.002+08:00

This post is very interesting because I was crying in the shower room and kneeled there not knowing what to do, but the thought of blogging motivated me to complete my shower. My stomach feels better now, but I can’t be agitated. I got to calm down...
It is almost a month since I’ve updated. Straight after that is a week of MPM. I’m surprised that I’ve endured through…Next was my second time attending Leaders’ Meeting. I don’t know why every time I was sick during the meeting and during the audition as well. Body..please be strong…okok?

Then I went to visit darling, but he was sleeping. I miss him.
And I finally went shopping. And I’m sooooo Happy! It was grrreat!
Ok back to why I was crying.
I’m really tired and drained. It feels like all your juice been sucked clean and you really don’t want to do anything. The past week I’ve been trying so hard, working hard but I don’t see any light out of it yet. Is a ‘thank you’ enough?

When you trust someone too much, it hurts. Now I know the fear. Today the speaker mentions about the spirit of rejection. SO what so what so what? Nobody will share your success or failure with you.
(ouch..stomach..)

Ok…cool down… I guess it’s time to let go. “I surrender all…I surrender all…” Even if it hurts, even it’s unfair, even if it’s crazy…because of LOVE.

Magnificent

2010-04-18T01:00:00.008+08:00

Who compares to You?
Who set the stars in their place?
You who calmed the raging seas
That came crashing over me

Who compares to You?
You who bring the morning light
The hope of all the earth
Is rest assured in Your great love

You are magnificent, eternally
Wonderful, glorious
Jesus
No one ever will compare to You
Jesus

Where the evening fades
You call forth songs of joy
As the morning wakes
We Your children give You praise

Beautiful…Feel my Heart…Look…I Love You!
I want to thank you for saving and showing me how much I can…Words of Encouragement brings forth joy and makes me believe I can. And I’m surprised, it is like a miracle to me. And Your words came to pass, Your promises I hold. It’s GOOD. At least I tried my best…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rIlqaWiQk5I&feature=related

Wow…I Will Always Love You =))

The story of Faith

2010-04-06T18:08:00.004+08:00

我该怎么办?

I really don’t know what to do. My faith has to overcome my fear that’s attacking every now and then.
More and more coming up…and time runs. We all need to keep moving and growing. When you don’t grow, you die! And this kind of death is slow, it tortures the mental, your emotions then your flesh…not to mention spiritual..

I never expect what life can brings and to be in such state…perhaps I can only receive the consolation prize of being able to share and counsel to people who are going through what I’m going through at this moment…
Life is not the same ever since I decided to walk that route. It gets even different ever since I’m born again. It seems to get even more trials and tribulations, but strangely there seem to be a hidden purpose behind everything.

Choices. We all make them, do we? Poor or good I don’t know…I’m still living out my choices. Till now I wonder… by right, by what 90% of people would do, by nature, by reality, by common sense I shouldn’t do this. Look, I bearing the consequences now. I’m putting my all to this 10%. I have to risk it all and choose to believe I am and should be where I am now. 10%!!! Will you give me a miracle and save me? Ignite the fire in me and let me live again?

There’s no escape to this. There’s no easy way out. I just got to walk through it. Yes, I'm struggling. Scolding, angry, no compassion, not understanding, rejected…it hurts! But please forgive them for they don’t know. This is cross bearing. Being whipped, beaten and carrying the cross alone…the excruciating pain of being nailed…mocked…where you have the choice…

Today I saw something I never seen before. Beautiful Heaven!!! It’s very clear and pure…powerful! He told me many things. This is exciting. I will be very happy if they all come to past! I keep thinking about Baby. I miss him…owwwww Baby I wanna Love Love Love you…I like the way you look at me! You’re like a huge sausage~ *kiss

Breakthrough Easter :) Yea! More breakthroughs to come.
I am official born again on 28/03/10. A brand new life. Thank you…

WHEN MY WORLD WAS IN DARKNESS
YOU SPOKE YOUR WORD
NIGHT TURNED INTO DAY
YOUR BEAUTY FILLED THIS PLACE

WHEN MY WORLD STOOD IN SILENCE
YOU FILLED MY HEART
WITH SONGS THAT NEVER END
FOREVER I WILL PRAISE

TO THINK THAT THE UNIVERSE
COULD NOT WITHHOLD YOUR GLORY
YOU CHOOSE TO LIVE IN ME
I'M SO AMAZED

(AND) I WORSHIP YOU LORD
MY LIFE IN YOU RESTORED
HERE IS MY HEART
MAKE IT YOUR SANCTUARY
FOR NOBODY ELSE
BUT JESUS ONLY (YOU)

YOU ARE FAITHFUL AND TRUE
GLORIOUS LORD
ALL MY LIFE
IT IS YOU I ADORE
YOU'VE TOUCHED MY SOUL
COMPLETED MY WORLD I SURRENDER TO YOU

I’m so amaze why…when no one believes me, or love me… I’m so touched!

Got to Find a Way Out

2010-03-26T00:41:00.004+08:00

I don’t know why I’m feeling this way…but I got so much to say…
Feeling so tired and my throat hurts. Initially it hurts till I can’t even utter any sound. Just swallowing alone can kills! Even now it still hurts, and **cough cough..
With the almost fainting experience with the whole body aches and felt weird. The past two weeks been seeking medicine and praying for healing.
Maybe I’m just tired and needs to sleep. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak.
And maybe I’m a little sad and disappointed. Everyone is so busy and the love grows cold. I feel so cold and dry…

And recently things came crashing over…have thou forsaken me? Had a great fun with the cg game, but later I was reminded of the super burden I’ve got to face coming days…Did a six hour lesson back to back which I felt so XXXXXX after. I hate to squeeze so many lessons together (especially not when I’m super exhausted after one whole week of ‘torture’, I want to enjoy and not hate it).

And I’m a bit frustrated by his change of attitude. Give me a break! Bleah~
Felt super sick at the Leaders’ Meeting and there’s also OPM!
Tuition is closed, which means……….
Yes I am worried, fearful, scared, depressed.. I don’t know how to pay for the next school fees due in less than two weeks time! And many more sacrifices… And the so many expenses coming along… And I’m still in debt!!!

Felt her unfriendly and unkind tone. Like it’s crazy to go Bible School, not understanding that my Saturday is fully packed and insisting certain things. Trying to squeeze me out with your mockery words. What’s wrong with commitments? I’m really torn between the limitations… To serve or to survive? Why must it be overlapping and in the end I got to make a choice? And ‘A’ choice.
Which means now I’m totally loss of what I should do. I can only pray and hope for a miracle. BUT I still don’t know why I’m feeling the way I am now. I find it hard to smile or laugh…but so easy to cry. .

Saw this really sweet nice Bible at Precious Moments and I want it so much!!! It’s NKJV too and the words are really beautiful, easy to study! There’s also cute pictures and quotes and it’s light too! My initial response was that if I have it, I would be super motivated to read and finish it! They are really catchy and I could imagine myself bringing it to school and holding it everywhere I go!!! The sales assistant kept staring at me and was already on 'stand by' mode.. Unfortunately I did NOT get it though it’s already discounted.. =((

And why do bad things happen together? I lost my phone pouch suddenly. And it’s really suddenly because it really just disappeared while I was on the bus. And my bag broke! And my ear piece spoilt! And I got no more radio (sis took it away)…that means I got to ‘fast’ from praise and worship!!! And no music kills the spirit. Which I absolutely hate it! Why do I lose so many things this year? And it’s only beginning of the year!!!

Yeah… HELP! **cough cough..

The Irresistible

2010-02-24T23:07:00.002+08:00

That was a special day. Even though I was tired in all ways but I already felt very excited. It was like pre-planned…and yeah…

I want to remember this day.

原來快樂是一种回憶。。
謝謝你陪了我那一天﹐讓我能一時拋開一切好好的放松
好久好久我沒那麼瘋狂過。
謝謝你的禮物﹐我好開心。。我。。我好期待。。
幸福原來可以很简单。。

I really enjoyed the KTV session. Towards the end, I hope I can sing continuously in that space. It ended off with ‘Hui Jia’ which was my most challenging moment of the day. WoW!
Was that me?

Enjoyed watching and playing the ‘game’. It was kinda addictive.
Thank you for the Sweet Blessings. I love them.
Thank God for all the wonderful moments and blessings. The once in a blue moon experience.

I shouldn’t worry so much.
I should let go of the burden.

First time is like the fireworks. You want to capture the beautiful moment forever and dwell in the splendor… It’s only when it becomes dull and normal that you begin to appreciate it. Even at that time you may not even think it is anyway special. Regardless if you cherish it, you long for it again.

It was a typical outing. Yet natural and fun. And memorable. When I see the blessings, I will smile =))

Bruised.

2010-02-20T11:53:00.001+08:00

My head is super pain…feels like it’s going to burst anytime.
It’s unfair.
It’s evil.

I want to cry my heart out…I want it to stop…I hate it…
We’re just a puppet under someone’s control. When it says start you got to move and entertain the audience, then when it ends you get abandon aside. When you want to move your right hand, they move your left leg. You won’t get to decide anything. We’re directed under the director’s command. When the audience enjoy, they get the reward, when it’s a lousy play, the puppet gets condemn forever…

Lukewarm. So what?
When you get high and excited, they pour cold water on you. When you’re cold, they light you up, heating you in flames that never quench…
You get to go nowhere.

Matthew 12:20

Be Brave

2010-02-07T23:45:00.003+08:00

I’ve learnt a precious lesson that I’ve made a mistake that cost me so much! And I’ve paid such a high price! This is a lesson worth going through but it’s definitely not a good feeling. I would never want to. It’s painful, scary……
It’s too late. Now I got to bear responsibilities for what I have and not done. I got to live and love with myself for who I am. I got to face the criticism from my loved ones. I got to withstand all the negative and disappointment. Being deeply rejected and handle all these alone. I seriously don’t know what to do or think.

Many times I got to make the choice to sit there crying or stop and do something. Sometimes I didn’t even make a choice…
People who know me are super irritated…they are either way too busy to care if not too annoyed by my nonsense.

I just need a space to express out my fear. I just got to accept what has happened and be happy. Happiness is really a good feeling.

I want to be happy.
I want to be happy, again.

I just want to sleep and hope for a peaceful tomorrow…

Through it All

2010-01-31T19:43:00.002+08:00

I hate to go through this every week! No…every day. I want to stop this torture. Please…
What happens when you’re at the dead end, absolutely dead?

I pray that You will heal my sickness. I pray that the pain will stop. I pray that one day it will be all over… No more of it anymore! Complete healing power!

Nobody knows but You. Who can help me but You? Please heal me. Hear my desperate cry…!!! Stop the attack!

I need Hope…Peace…Love…Most of all my Faith.

Take away all the burdens…
Get away fear!

You are forever in my life
You see me through the seasons
Cover me with Your hand
And lead me in Your righteousness

And I look to You
And I wait on You

I'll sing to You Lord
A hymn of Love
For Your faithfulness to me
I'm carried in everlasting arms
You'll never let me go
Through it all

You are forever in my life
You see me through the seasons
Cover me with Your hand
And lead me in Your righteousness

And I look to You
And I wait on You

I'll sing to You Lord
A hymn of Love
For Your faithfulness to me
I'm carried in everlasting arms
You'll never let me go

I'll sing to You Lord
A hymn of Love
For Your faithfulness to me
I'm carried in everlasting arms
You'll never let me go
Through it all

Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Through it all…Through it all
You’re always there…

I’ll hide in You. Amen.

A Brand New Life

2010-01-13T23:17:00.000+08:00

It is never fun to be corrected. In fact, at the time it is always painful. But if we learn to obey by being corrected, we will do right and live at peace.

Hebrews 12:11

Thank You for this lesson today.

If you are guided by the Spirit, you won't obey your selfish desires. The Spirit and your desires are enemies of each other. They are always fighting each other and keeping you from doing what you feel you should.

Galatians 5:16-17

I'm sorry.

And because we belong to Christ Jesus, we have killed our selfish feelings and desires. God's Spirit has given us life, and so we should follow the Spirit.

Galatians 5:24-25

Sweet Forgiveness =)

Goodbye 2009 ~

2010-01-01T19:57:00.006+08:00

It's a brand new year with a brand new start! This 2009 is a really really down year for me. This morning He brought me back to the time when the greastest miracle happened to me which I witness, but I think it was back in 08. I was prayed for. At Bras Basah. I remember the First Love. The First Joy. I wanted to proclaim to the whole world of this joy I had.
Why couldn't life be that simple? All I want is just a stable and normal life where I can live healthily and grow well. It doesn't matter if I have only a little, just enough...but yet it's so difficult. Even if I wanted to go for the study, I got to tell Him how much I want to this year, how I got to beg in tears, how if I am able I'm willing to do anything...
I just hope there's someone I can pray with everyday until I breakthrough. Someone who is willing to talk to me and give me the courage to live on. I don't want to cry everyday like this. Everyday is a torture. Because 2 is better than 1.
2009= ?? buckets of tears

Why is it that it can be so easy for others but just simply difficult to near impossible for me? It has always been 2 options: either to live or die. Nearing the end, I've reached a stage where it doesn't matter...either way I'm dead. Unless there's a miracle.

I realized that the solution which I concluded is something which I cannot control. First you can't force someone to love you. You can't control the nature of life. You can't change yourself overnight. While they dance in joy, I weep in sorrow. Because I'm not perfect.

Once and for all, let's walk through 2009 and say goodbye~
I thank God that it's this year I make many sacrifices and started on a journey with Him. From the beginning I was struggling at work and choosing to leave and also then that I am able to be more committed to service. Before that in 2009 the kind of life I was living, trying to overcome many many hurdles...how I got to know a new kind of people - spiritual. How I start to adapt to a renewed life. How some of them used to encourage me to bravely walk this far. How I made certain decisions...risked my all...It a year where I lost my home and found again. The time when I got depression, cried, super weak..I remember that time he told me it's like the stock market. Can it get any lower? Fortunately it always ride out all the crisis overtime. The time when I realized no one can help me except myself...praying...crying...wanting to kill myself...telling myself I want an end. Being rejected, being a fool, suffering alone, heartaches...

However God is still faithful...though many downs but there's still some ups. Did many new things and shared many memories with people especially my cg. Though I met many evil people, I believe He is still protecting me from what could be even worse! And 'no weapon formed against me shall prosper'! The greatest enemy is myself!!! When I'm fearful, I would always look forward to the place of love...to be hugged...to be free of all the burdens...the outings...the KinderJoys, cards, letter, games...the zone camp, birthday celebrations, I hope I can remember them all forever!

2010, I hope I won't be lonely anymore. It will be exciting and fun. I just want to be happy. Happy no matter what. I want to fall in love with my new life once again. I want to love my God whole heartedly and love my people fervently.

He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in their hearts, yet so that man can't find out the work that God has done from the beginning even to the end.
Ecclesiastes 3:11

Musical Sea

2009-12-20T20:27:00.002+08:00

Just feel like blogging away...

Why am I falling in love with this song??

Love can’t you see I’m alone
Cant you give this fool a chance
A little love is all I ask - a little kindness
In the night
Please don’t leave me behind
No – don’t tell me love is blind
A little love is all I ask and that is all

Oh love I’ve been searching so long
I’ve been searching high n low
A little love is all I ask - a little sadness
When you’re gone
Maybe you need a friend
Only please don’t lets pretend
A little love is all I ask and that is all

I wanna spread my wings - but I just cant fly
As a string of pearls and pretty girls go sailing by

Ocean deep – I’m so afraid to show my feelings
I have sailed a million ceilings - in my -
Solitary room
Ocean deep - will I ever find a lover
Maybe she has found another
And as I cry myself to sleep
I know this love of mine Ill keep - ocean deep

Love can't you hear when I call
Cant you hear a word I say
A little love is all I ask
A little feeling when we touch
Why am I still alone?
I’ve got a heart without a home
A little love is all I ask - and that is all

I wanna spread my wings - but I just cant fly
As a string of pearls and pretty girls go sailing by

Ocean deep – I’m so afraid to show my feelings
I have sailed a million ceilings - in my -
Solitary room
Ocean deep - will I ever find a lover
Maybe she has found another
And as I cry myself to sleep
I know this love of mine Ill keep - ocean deep

I’m so lonely lonely lonely...
Maybe..Maybe
(Ocean deep)
On my own in my room
Maybe..Maybe
I'm so lonely
(Ocean deep)
I'm so lonely , I'm so lonely ...
This love of mine I’ll keep…Ocean deep……

Why does the past keep coming like waves? I wish certain things do not change. However we got to move on. Music is Power!!! History makers!!! I'm falling in love with his voice again...How those drum beat transform into a vision, gentle, beautiful, magical...

Singing those songs help to express out what you can't express...

Rockz on!

Candle Candle Bring me to my Wish and Light up my Dream!
Amen.

Heavenly Sound

2009-12-17T09:52:00.000+08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qSc4M6xNMu8

So beautiful! This song came to my mind now after so long. It reminded me of many things. Look at his feelings. Look at the atmosphere. Look at his expressions and actions. It just makes me feel so tiny compare to the grand music.
BEAUTIFUL.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I-G8IfjPAII

Just when I was about to give up...
I told Him it doesn't matter. And people doesn't mind. He's hurt. Because 'You are Loved!' Then I asked Him how...then there was silence.

A Home

2009-12-13T16:06:00.007+08:00

All I want this Christmas is......

When I fail, I fall, I cry, I hide, I run away...
Then He spoke. He said and showed me many things. He is there!
He told me about Daddy. People who still loves me. A Daddy's Love. If Daddy can, I sure can because I'm his child.

That day, while I was sitting there I saw this loving family of four kids all about the same age and look alike. They were running around the plaza, the daddy and mummy kept watch. Occasionally either one would go to a child to adjust their clothes or shoes. The mummy bent down over the girl and very gently, adjusted the cover of her shoes. The kids ran past her, the girl ran to chase them and the mummy stood up slowly. They were not too expressive, neither stern nor smiley but they exuded a sense of love, warmth, stillness, encouragement. They were rather well-dressed, and disciplined. The daddy took a family photo...

How much a parent would love their children! Protective, sense of security, comfort..make sure they grow well. Daddy makes sure everything is the best for us, gives us the best that he can offer and sees what we do. When we face problems, he wants us to learn and overcome then we can become stronger. He stands there to see what we will do and if we cannot handle, he comes over. He hurts when he sees his girl giving up, dejected and not moving anymore. He encourages her, "Look you're beautiful, so special and cute to me. I gave this to you, be confident and show it to them..." In fact her shoes shine so bright and she looks so presentable. But she feels they deslike her. They don't like to play with her. Why do they have that mickey mouse shoes but she don't have. They laugh at her and ignore her. She tries to be in their group, chases after them, talks to them. Soon she quieten down. She sits with Daddy and watches the others play. Daddy sees and understands. Daddy hugs her. He knows his darling girl is precious and just needs some assurance.

I try to stand up again, and walk. Again.

只要活着就会有希望

LOVE

1 Peter 5:7

2009-11-29T18:18:00.002+08:00

Have been praying about many things, talked to one of the members about my concern and worries. I feel that I have a part to play too. I don't want to Not care because I care.
Life is so short. And often unpredictable. You don't know what will happen tomorrow, or how will a person change. I want to cherish every single one. Sometimes we will get hurt, but love is greater than our pain and anger. At the end we know that we still love one another and we can come back together again. With a 'sorry', with a hug, with a prayer. I asked for forgiveness and for His blessings to them...
I realized that it's important that we press on in the things we need to do. No busy, No excuse. Why? Because only when things start to change or you lose that you starts to value and cherish, that you really start to regret. When they fall below our expectation, we get disappointed.

Can we really support one another and start afresh? Instead of taking everything for granted why not appreciate every single blessings and moments we have? I want to start right now...I want to remember back the drive...
I hate this insecurity!! You mean we can't withstand trials and testings? Where is the hope and faith? You're the reason I'm special. Without You, who am I?

Mark 3:25

Let the fire melt the snow! I hope that they will be part of my dreams. I hope that I am part of their dreams too. There's no time to be weary! Let's start to do crazy things while we can. Work the impossible to POSSIBLE.

Mark 10:27

It doesn't matter what we do at times, it's how we feel. We will reap a great harvest if we do not lose heart. 2009! Many many memories. 2010 greater and better memories to come! One is not enough, many will work!

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

Sometimes it's just too coincidence. I went because of the warmth, the familiar surroundings, the memories. Or at least I know someone close is near. It feels different with different people. But they have a special place..
Do you know it affects one another? It is a support system. Do you really want it to collapse? Life to be ruined? I don't want it to be this way. =(
It's just like a mother wanting a child to grow, feed it daily with milk then one day decide that 'it's not fun anymore', 'it's too tiring' and leave the child behind wondering what's wrong and if no one loves them anymore.

I hope it's not too late......
I want to say 'I Love You'. No matter what. Whoever you are reading right now, I want to let you know 'God Loves You'...... And I Love You with the Love of Christ! Yes, that's You!!!

~ hugsss ~

~ SMILE ~

Cold Heart, Warm Blood

2009-11-25T00:15:00.007+08:00

Can I still Trust them?

God, heal my brokenheart.

2 Timothy 2:13

REALity

2009-11-22T01:08:00.007+08:00

It's the 'ahhh' feeling.

1 Samuel 16:7

It's all words. Excuses. Liars. Anyway it doesn't matter. No one rejoices with you. That's what you said, do you sincerely deliver your promise? Talk about Love? Help?

They don't understand anyway.
Silly?
Trust?!
Loyalty? It's usually such time you see who are the TRUE Hearts...and very often you'll be surprised.

I just want a friend like U

WE are ONE

2009-11-03T17:08:00.005+08:00

There are many times when it’s just You and I. Remember the mornings We shared where We walked and journeyed together. The times when You hold and swing my hands, telling me how wonderful it is. Never would I thought I would miss such mornings…Remember how We worked all through, fought through…I remember how much I love Your voice, the smiles, the joy…where I felt more than enough…

How strong is Your protection. How you would just hold my hands and said, ‘Come on…come on…’ You would whisper words of encouragement..That’s how sweet You are. I can trust in Your Faithfulness.

With You, I will NOT be afraid.

I will NOT fear.

I Will be Strong.

I Will be Brave.

It’s OK. Yes, it’s doesn’t matter. I CAN do it. I CAN Hope in You again.

I will try to cry less and be Glad. I cannot be sad again.

I AM HAPPY!!!

I want it.

2009-10-18T23:21:00.009+08:00

Had a nightmare. It must be due to waking up in middle of night then...it's getting vague now. It's something like you're trapped at that house and people are coming to get you. Something like you're going to end your life as you've come to an absolute end...

It's mid Oct already. SO much has happened. (Aww...I'm hungry now! How to sleep with an empty stomach?!)
As much as I can remember, it's prayer month. It felt great. I will always remember those details...where my heart was so broken, where I was so tired I cried everyday. It's never enough! I just want it so much ='( It can really enCourage..
It just that simple...

Then there's cg outings. We went to sing and cycle. It was a good workout for the muscles. Gotta make them stronger. But it's feeling a little different now. I must learn to enjoy playing. Play hard!!
Sharing and discussion. The more I share, I more I get closer to the truth. It hurts definitely but yet it has to be revealed. What if you realized you isn't that you and you got to keep telling yourself you're all right. It's really nothing. You just have to believe it's healthy and good. What if you got to face such attack every now and then...you got to overcome it. All sorts of deadly weapon thrown...you got to just keep trusting...
Isaiah 54:17

It's ridiculous, it's crazy. But yet you got to keep loving. Please, don't torture me anymore.
It's between You & Me now.

Had a cool interview at the lounge. Professional feel. Not everyone gets the chance. Thank God =) But the hot chocolate can be better! Yes! This should be the way!!! Let's talk!

In Your House

2009-09-27T18:38:00.005+08:00

One week. Did it get better or bigger?
I am nothing but a bean. Just a 'human bean'. A bean so tiny that needs water and sunlight to grow. So weak and fragile...a baby beanie that's learning to crawl...

However the road definitely has to be walked! Even though it's just baby step, just a tiny bit more, I must walk! I'm holding on, I'm pressing on. No more giving up!! No more! No more!

Faith. How precious it is, purer than gold. Faith drives out fear. There's no fear in Love. Perfect Love drives out fear. It's not the end, there's still Hope. They did not give up on me. He did not either.

I want to know how I fare. It's gonna be different and good this time round. It gonna be exciting! Oct =) A month of breakthrough!!! Memories! Dreams! Miracles! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Heal my Heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to Love like You have Loved me

Psalm 46:10

By the Sea

2009-09-20T18:00:00.004+08:00

It's always like this. When you thought you are well and have recovered, on the road to happiness, there's a heart attack. I've been contemplating what I should do to stop this nonsense. Will death end this? Yes perhaps. But it will not solve this. Does leaving helps? Yes. But will the heart stop beating? No, but it will ache more.
It's never fair. There's never a good fair share. Why??? Does He loves me less?
What a fool! Slap myself and wake up. SOOO? Does drinking helps?

Family. What an irony!!! It's only through such time where you will know the real meaning behind this word. Talk about family! Laugh...laugh all you want and can! They're just waiting there to see how you fall. I was born with nothing, so I give thanks with all I have now.

Enough is Enough!!! I want to get out of BFC. Again I repeat, I want to get out and I make sure I will get out! CeLL group! The real meaning behind this? It doesn't matter, right? I see that footprints and rejoice and wonder who it is and all I find is nobody...but when I turn around I see You standing there, smiling...

Dearest Dearest God!! you ku nan yan -_-
I really want to breakthrough...I really want to do this...but...but..I always fail...
I'm so sad =( More so now.
But I can't tell anyone. Do they really want to help me? Even my cgm did that to me!
Will you work with me?

Dear Dear God, I don't want to cry every night like this. Is this a test? I don't want to be afraid anymore. Just so weak...just a nobody with a sad song. I still have to continue, right? How much longer? My enemies are attacking me...day and night I just want to hide.
Can I throw it off and dance with joy?

After we pass the test, we will come forth as Gold. Through this, only the true real bestest people will be revealed. What doesn't break make me Stronger!

Hold me Tight =X

Because of You

2009-09-13T18:11:00.007+08:00

Because of You, I have Hope.

For the vision is yet for an appointed time;
But at the end it will speak, and it will not lie.
Though it tarries, wait for it;
Because it will surely come,
It will not tarry. Habakkuk 2:3

It is finally here, now is the time.

And if one member suffers, all the members suffer with it; or if one member is honored,
all the members rejoice with it. 1 Corinthians 12:26

Brothers and sisters will betray each other and have each other put to death. Parents will betray their own children, and children will turn against their parents and have them killed. Mark 13:12

When all of this starts happening, stand up straight and be brave. You will soon be set free.
Luke 21:28

It's only through such testing that you know who are the faithful and loyal ones. The truth will come to light one day. Are you able to withstand the test?

For there is nothing hidden which will not be revealed, nor has anything been kept secret but that it should come to light. Mark 4:22

My friends, we ask you to be thoughtful of your leaders who work hard and tell you how to live for the LORD. Show them great respect and love because of their work. Try to get along with each other. 1 Thessalonians 5:24

The one who chose you can be trusted, and he will do this. 1 Thessalonians 5:24

But many who are now first will be last, and many who are last will be first.
Matthew 19:30

Laugh all you want, let's see who shall have the last laugh!!! Up! Up! Up!

Every child of God can defeat the world, and our faith is what gives us this victory. 1 John 5:4

For I know the thoughts I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11

Because I Love You.

Letter

2009-09-03T22:42:00.007+08:00

Why do I feel so weak? Why doesn’t the pain go away? I want to tell Him that I am so very tired…tiredly in pain. I told Him I want to repent. I want to be healed. I want to cry.

I totally lose hope in myself. I’ve lost all my strength. He doesn’t know.

This Goliath is just too hard to kill. And I’ve yet to face the fear…

I want to tell Him that the pain is too hurtful and heavy to bear. I hope that He will speak to me tomorrow. I will see and embrace Him. Even if it’s just a short while.

How long more? I wish I can. I wish I will. As if that’s not enough, it’s too heartbreaking to want to stay on.

Maybe I should go off right now…

Speechless

2009-08-14T18:19:00.003+08:00

Is too angry to post anything! Just wanna kill the virus. Spray them to death! Please, don’t make the whole of Aug this way… don’t want to be left behind =’(

Hey I wanna work ok? Exasperated!!!
Miss all my pm, training and cg!!!

C’mon..
Pesticide!
Insecticide!!
Germicide!!!
Virusicide!!!!

> BOMB < them no more! 'ARG'

Weak v.s Strong

2009-08-10T14:32:00.006+08:00

It’s really sickening being sick! So tired and it just pains…
I thought it’s over…attacks here and there…just gonna find strength…Power Up!!!
So far so good…FOP – CHCAS – sick – oPM – rest – on battle fighting – wrestling – Prayed – the meeting got me back on track, Surprise! The whole structure was rather interesting, added some visual audio impact – work just went through quickly – CG was really great! =D – training – work and saw them again. The ice has melted. Breakthroughs!!! – SVC was kinda different ~ healing ~ exhausted – family lunch – unwell – sleep, sleep, sleep – ate pizza =) – sick – sleep - drowsy ……

Coming up next – more activities – more stretched – more of You!

Sickness, be away!! Away Away Away!!!!!! HaR!Roarrr!!

Rain down..Breathe on..

2009-07-30T22:53:00.006+08:00

This song brings me back to those times…how grand. How magical. I wish I can go back to my home. I wish I can break free. I wish…I wish…

If I can survive, there are many dozens I want, I wish, To do, To have list.
If I can survive.
If I…
Survive.
I can.

How much longer? How much more?

Even though you lost, you failed, you tried, even at the darkest moment, there’s still hope. Even if you’re alone, even if no one cares, even if no one understand…
I wanna sing.

This morning, we began by singing ‘Hero’. Don’t know why but suddenly I felt excited. I sang like a kid, I saw wonderful images. I wished to sing for the whole session!
If there’s worship song as well… *winks

It isn’t well. Guess I am really drained. Coming days…start of new month…plans…activities!!! Even though I know it’s gonna be exciting but I want to sleep now. There’s just too much…and so much for the past weeks. Rest plsss!!

Sometimes it’s the individual. Doing crazy things, working crazily…the battle has already begun!

I wish someone would just tell me…it’s all right. Really. Smiley has run away. Now I’m really alone…

- eMo -

2009-07-16T22:08:00.002+08:00

It feels like you’ve fell into the middle of the sea and you’re struggling to keep alive. No one was there and you alone lifting your hands waving frantically. Your head kept going under water…down and up…down again. You’ve tried your very best…soon you realized your movement became slower, harder to control and you fell into a deep sleep. You’ve let go………

You just know I love that song. My sincere desire to sing to You. My deepest cry to sing it out…and I heard it. Live. I stood there…And it’s not once. Every drop of tears my Love for You. I want to enjoy the song but too amaze…If You hear…Yes I wanna sing that again…just wanna Worship You. Full Stop.

Sick. Will you just stop crying and be strong? But it just hurts. Like a sword piercing through your heart. Bits and pieces of it…If you’re happy...then it ok. I know you are.
It’s not fair…why???

Gosh I just tried so hard to stop and now…
Trainings-Interviews > Mad
Some things are just not worth doing.

I pray for Miracles.
I need Smiley.
Please hold my hand and tell me it’s real!

Tested

2009-07-08T23:26:00.002+08:00

I Hate it. Why must it be this way? It just makes you more foolish than ever! I thought it’s over. I thought we can be happy like never before. Hurt at the highest level! It’s always like this… I hate it. I hate it! I don’t want anymore…it’s too much…

Please Stop.
Joke.
Shattered and Frail.
Please kill.. I want an End.

Lunch-Games-Training

Blessings

2009-07-05T20:00:00.006+08:00

It’s such a special day today! The cooling weather, fresh air, peaceful moments, eating the cake, many wishes…and I’m not tired!!! Not anymore!!! I wish there’s never a tomorrow. I wanna thank everyone and my lovely Heavenly Father for the wonderful time and blessing. 希望大家开心!! Love you all =) *hugs
Captured all of yesterday’s memory…we went to so many places haahaa.
JuLy – The Unique Month! Can it not be once a year?

The river that cleanse past, brings healing and refreshes us! So looking forward…
Hehe the game was rather innovative and fun too bad did not complete. Took some weird pose pictures then kept running around..reminded of those Taiwan variety. Went around in search of food and drink. Walked quite a distance and finally arrived our destination at ECP. Outdoor activities by the beach! Walked to PP for dinner.

It’s a new start now. New set of footprints. Hold tight. Please don’t let go. All I want is just to…… "Take me where You want".
Give up? Does it really benefit? No..no I don’t want to worry now. STOP!
Back to a fan. Cheers. You only feel it when you are the one. But the reaping is always sweet no matter the outcome. If I really do it, will you support me? Is that still a dream?

Tell you a secret: I’m collecting smiley. Each week at least one. So far it is!! It represents something *winks. I hope this will continue. I want MORE!!!

Screaming II

2009-06-28T01:17:00.003+08:00

It has been tiring days. Unexpected. Heartbreaking.
Trials..Tests..

Why have You forsaken me?
What is this Love?

It is not over. You just need Faith…
Two become One. Even though I wish I can have both. I know I’ll just miss you. I hope you understand.

Just move on…for I’m too weary…

Camp was cool! Team spirit – Cheers – Leaders
Games with cg in the rain. “Water Game”
The unity, bonding and care…the brothers were really man! Feels so proud of them. Our clan did a wonderful funny commercial…sang like never before. After the finale our own tribe walked around the island. Cracking jokes and sharing.
"Well Done" everyone ~

Sometimes you just want more…
Please Kill it before it gets out of control…

Will you stop? Ahhh...

Vision

2009-06-15T11:42:00.004+08:00

A week of PM. Every single day was a different experience. He just have a way to deal with us and at the crucial moment you’ll find Him so so real.. When you find yourself at a dead end, desperate, confuse, and you can only WAIT…when an Answer is at your heart’s desire, you’ll have to trust that He has his reason.

God brings us to a place where we would stop putting our confidence in ourselves. Where we have reached the absolute limit of our own knowledge, experience, strength and ability. Our dreams, goals, desires, aspirations and visions all seem to have died. But out of that death, God supernaturally brings us into a resurrection. And God takes us into the next level-onward and upward-into a far higher level of living than ever before. Not only will you live on a higher plane, you will be a blessing to the world.

I hope to know, I really want to know…I still don’t know the outcome. Many voices, many opinions but there’s only one God. And I’ll just have to focus on Your voice.

While we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal. - 2 Corinthians 4:18

Sacrifices? No..He only wants us to Obey Him. Man looks at the outward appearance, but He looks at the heart. It doesn’t matter…as long as He’s in your heart.
What do you see your “Goliath” as? To David, it is just the lion or bear he can kill easily to protect his sheep. Why can’t you just be brave and trust God to keep you safe?
You don’t even need a sword or exhaustive strategy, just A stone. This is our God!!!

And I’m not going to think anymore!!! Stop! Stop! Stop! --- Arhg

Waiting for You

2009-06-09T21:22:00.004+08:00

想哭就哭吧 !!!

I don’t understand. I don’t know how.
But in You I Trust.
Even as I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil…

~ Everything I am for your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth to eternity ~

- Habakkuk 2:3 -

God Of My Forever

2009-05-31T16:09:00.001+08:00

I’m falling in Love with You.

God of my youth I remember
Your call on my life took me o’er
Your love has seen me through all my days
I stand here by Your grace
On this altar I’ve written my life
Tells of a story I have with You my Lord
I want the world to know

Chorus
God of my forever
And forever I’m with You
My life is saved with a price
Your sacrifice redeemed my soul
God of my forever
And forever I will sing
My greatest honor will always be
To serve my Lord and King

God of my all I’ve surrendered
My heart finds its rest in Your word
Praises will not be enough to show
How my love for You has grown
Nothing matters when You’re here with me
In the end just to hear You say “Well done”
Bowing before Your throne

Bridge
Forever and ever
Jesus You alone in glory reign
Forever and ever
With You I walk this narrow way

You know what I mean.

Drawing Near

2009-05-30T15:10:00.003+08:00

I know I shouldn’t be doing this, but I suspect it is the depression that’s torturing every bit of that contained. Maybe I should seriously consider seeking spiritual doctor…
Reading that book teaches about changing our thoughts, thinking positive…How to rid of the addition?

On a lighter note, I am clinging on tightly to His promises. When? I don’t know. He’s telling me to be patient. He said a lot of things. But I just want a hug from you. A hug so tangible…so tight…so deep.

Finally cleared the air. It’s good. She has changed. I don’t know why. Why give when you want to take it away eventually?

Training-BSs (I’ve learnt so much…)

There has got to be a better way!!!
Will you tell me again?

> First Love <

W.o.r.r.y

2009-05-26T19:05:00.003+08:00

Finally realize how weak can a person be. It’s only X day…
“You’re NOT alone”. If only I can get this right and believe in the unseen…

What is the price of a mistake? Just when you are really needed…excuses!! If you really love and care…if that can be so valuable to you…and you’re leaving me ALONE!

“Precious in His sight”… “You’re so so Loved”… “Don’t be afraid. I am with you…I am holding your hand...”

You’re so much appreciated and respected…well if you don’t, you don’t have to! It feels so cheated!

2 Timothy 1:7

a Different Beat

2009-05-24T19:17:00.001+08:00

It was a crazy one week! But I’m not going to think back and stay there. It’s a brand new life and I can only hope for an even better and loving next week. I realized that I’ve unknowingly went through quite a fair bit for the past weeks, even months.
It’s over…it’s a new life…away away away!!!

I don’t want to go through it again…I don’t want that hell…I need strength…Please trust me…I want to be!!! And you're in it!

Will you promise to stand by me? No matter what happens?

Hear my Heart ~

Come what may

2009-05-16T11:30:00.003+08:00

It’s COMING!!! Really COMING!! Real Soon ~

Listening to all these classic super powerful heart blowing songs make them even more exciting! Just wish to sing again… miss those time on stage… those euphoric moments…

…Now comes Beyond…oohh something is stirring strongly in the heart…

Been feeling weird lately…weak…my body needs a break. Quite a breakthrough though.
I finally pass them!!! It was crazy but fun. Time tight and everyone was so tired at the end. I will remember our experience together =)

I hope that you’ll support me…please don’t react this way…I am only one person (though I also wish I can split into many parts and do many things) I’m sorry…

Back to class. Change! Place, feelings, People. Suddenly it feels like ten years ago when it’s barely years… Or is it me?

Another miracle this week! I thought… Thankful for the encouragements along the way… That day the ride was way too long for me to continue… felt so giddy and sick. Too hungry till I vomited…

Walk in with anxiety, Walk out in victory!

Astons was superb! Hope to visit there more often… then went to the soya shop for desserts! It was really a reward for me! Heh Heh

Faith – They will come to pass!!!!! When I can’t, You Can. (prays hard everything will turns out well)

Shopping anyone?

Long Updates…

2009-05-02T00:12:00.003+08:00

It’s a brand new month! And it’s COMING!!!

Work. Felt so different to be back and survived. Best shot!
M9 tutorial. First day was cool! Ate with her. Shared the satay, ordered the dessert for me and our sweet sweet conversation =)
Tiring and freezing.
Had steamboat together, talked, walked…
Survived the 3 days, rushed through the remaining time doing all I could.
Kept praying…and the miracle is that I Pass. The joy and happiness…followed by a time of fun and play.
Mahjong! Pizza! Games! FLY
Felt really bad with certain issues. People who are supposed to be the closest to you can hurt you the most. They don’t understand. But it was unintentional (I guess). Fear Kills!
Started HI this week. Manage to survive as well. Fortunately not as long as M9.
Thankful for His Help.
The outing wasn’t as well as I thought. Regret telling her. I would understand if you don’t support me but I’m really upset…bringing the past…Highlighting what I cannot do…
Had BS yesterday. Interesting! Glad to know more of You…talked, shared, listened and just talk. Reminded of this session last year when he told me about talking to somebody face to face.. Hehe record (hey man I did that) Haha I know you won’t ever see this but I’ll always remember what you told me…
Went for dessert and parted.
Happy! Loving! Back.
Sisters’ meeting in the morning. You!!!
Family Dinner ~ hmm not bad. Shopping! Blessings =)

Chunks and chunks…but just too lost for words…Arh! Time to re-organize =p
Tomorrow will be marvelous! Next week will be terrific! (Haha I hope)

Gift: Healing

2009-04-17T13:10:00.006+08:00

If blogging helps, may it take away all the pain...
If anything even helps…

I thought everything would be fine.

When there’s good surprise, there’s also bad one. BAD =(
(pray for good heart)

The ride, so full of up and down, spinning around going in all directions that’s beyond control…
Time – the Enemy!

It’s enjoyable but way too tough… I thought I could…
Can I still trust you?
Do you even support me?

Disappointed…
Can I not?
Why?!

~ ~ ~
Easter time was quite memorable. Went TM for meeting. The crowd was really “arrggg”.
Was too sick to shop. Wanted to buy bb tea before crossing the road, however it took how long to even cross the mini road! Rain drops pattering…crazy!

Went food court for dinner and shared food with QR. =)
Had to queue for over an hour before we could get in. We were quite ahead though.
Good drama. Good Friday. Peaceful Easter.

It was a time of rest but not a complete one…needs to Play more!!! =P
Went back to work on m9. Back on track. After this I really hope to be able to work with her all through.
(prays hard to be Strong)

City Dinner
GT BD surprise at his house. Hoo ~ real surprising

Upcoming: ViVo
(wishes to cross to Sentosa island to hide away)
...That beautiful beach…games…that night…bbq…sharing BD wish…midnight swim…people…slept on stairs…laughter…

Just seem so yesterday…Lost past… ='(

Sower Reaper

2009-04-08T22:35:00.002+08:00

Yeah I Pass!!! Yes! Way to go ~
Feels so relief and happy =)
More to go…but it’s gonna be more and more exciting!

Though stress but enjoyable…trying to get as much in as possible within few days…
Mos =)
Starbucks =)
Amidst pm…work…emotional turmoil
~ Great ~

Good service. Love. Joy. Peace.

Finally saw her. Encouraged. But I’m still kinda worried…
Work hard, Play hard =)

Two Surprises today. Two Blessings today. Two Wishes today.
“So proud of you” =)

Smiling all the way…WoW!! It’s amazing. Miracle lies in you. When this chapter ends, another one begins. Every ‘step’, every print.

Gotta Rest.. Now is the time to sleep…COMING…

Sweet DreamzzZZz Friends ~

Screaming

2009-04-03T11:13:00.004+08:00

It’s super irritating. They are crying and yelling, going out of control. Breaking Boundaries! You never know how much you can achieve until you break your limits!

It’s her! The first person of the year. It felt so much lighter after talking to her. Hope things will turn out fine and get better and positive. Wherever! I don’t want to care anymore. Not that I want to give up but I’m beginning to feel the limitations…

Rushed down to BS and the all girls meeting. It’s so discouraging…always forgetting…losing any slightest taste in it. And being so ignorant!
I missed family dinner again! Missed the photo hunt and shopping…I want a break!!!
Missing mahjong, playing, sharing, swimming, cycling…totally miss out last month!

Tried hard to concentrate studying but it’s really a struggle. It just seems saturated. And I’m still stuck at the laws! Please buck up!
Was surprised that she decided to give me a chance. I can’t worry so much now. Interesting people. The joy of working and knowing they are part of it.
Many surprises indeed. Fortunately that seminar managed to keep me awakes (no more simply reading Arr) and what he said to me at the end was really impactful. I couldn't believe that statement. Prophesy? Haha..So what is this? It’s COMING. So what do you want me to do?!

Hear my anxious thoughts ~

Train Ride

2009-03-27T12:25:00.003+08:00

There’s so much to say! So many things that happen in yet 3 days again. How many 3 days are there? Perhaps it’s coming…real soon…

I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13

The seminar was rather impactful. Though it overshot but it was a great experience.
The session was quite fun with some moments of apprehension. Discussions quite satisfying, ideas flowed easily. We even went out under the hot sun in search of the activity place. Eating together, chatting and knowing one another =)

The best part so memorable which I’ve been wanting to share was the role-play! Woo even my heart keeps beating now that I’ve recalled! I was the third one chosen! My mind was totally blank as to whatever was I going to conduct?? Once again prayer really amazes me…in less than a minute I was called back into the room. I was very surprised with myself too! The only part was the ‘reading to see what’s next’ part that cooled down the atmosphere a little… Once again reminded of the past being with them…trying to get their attention…speaking those words lol…
The previous 2 participants 'got away' quite easily, but when it was my turn they started those 'nasty' stuff..Wahaha >< it wasn't that nervous, then broke off into laughters.

I was so shocked with the comments too. Handles well? Now is to work on familiarizing with the process. It ended early that means I could go back to rest early.
Pc was wonderful too! Soundsss :) Ooppss..time is running out…

Long meetings & discussions. Cleared some, more with no conclusion…but I’ve got a blessing from treats =))
ML came to keep me company. Thanks for your encouragement =)
Headaches…can’t sleep…

Loads & Loads…hope all will be settled by this month…

I want to go Home!

2009-03-23T18:55:00.000+08:00

Perhaps it’s due to last night or the last few days, I’m feeling worn-out and sad. So many things waiting to be done, yet I seem to be distracted and lost…particularly by that.

Things can go and change in such a big curve over a few days. I enjoyed these special 3 days with thanksgiving. I survived. It’s over…but no time to break! Hope it’s not too late…
If only I can be stronger…faster…clearer…

Thought was late and kept walking but they were only eating…later walked again to BK and got a quick bite. It was totally different now. Where is that girl whom I know?? Walked around, around and around. Walked everywhere…that must be the easiest way to be recognized! Nonetheless tried my best but was not satisfied. Whatever happens, He’s sure in control! Though it’s a loss, but glad to choose this…

I love that song. It’s only when it takes on a different experience and pain will you appreciate that moment. Too many times we take it for granted. Such joy that you never want to leave again. The ride home was sweet *smiles

Guess I’m really tired…it feels kinda weird to be back again. The familiar people, places, journey…but the person is not the same anymore! It was a breeze (thank God =P).
That really gives a different perception. It’s so sad…it’s real…That part really made me burst out in tears! I’m so so sad. Friends we got to keep working! Fight a good fight!

Ahh..what am I talking about? Can you feel it? Do you understand? Can you see it?

I am listening…
Waiting…
Awaiting…
Preparing…

Take me Home!!

Hope

2009-03-19T13:55:00.002+08:00

What a crazy week! Feels so stretched to the max…
Drowsy like a robot
Pain and aches…super fearful attacks…
Ate the wrong medicine? Did some really XXXX stuff and that’s it!
Met up with RL and lunched. Went to this quiet place where there’s free flow drink and ice-cream. But what attracted me was food I guess…

Great to catch up again. She is so cheerful now (hmm…the power of love). She ordered that soupy chicken, I ordered that saucy chicken. Then there’s what looks like kimchi in the serving but does not tastes like it. Then we walked all the way back…

Been really trying all I could, but sadly not reach a conclusion. What does all these means? NO!!! I don’t want it this way…definitely NOT…NO way. I don’t believe it!!!

Let’s find it! I know you are there!!! Sensei! Where are you?!

Despite these craziness, Little Starry wishes to
- smile again
- have a good laugh
- see a rainbow in the blues at this huge grassland
- dance, jump, sing
- hug a hug
- be fun, have LOADS of FUN!!!

Hear my cries!!!

T.H.A.N.K.S

2009-03-11T22:35:00.001+08:00

Thank You for being with me
Thank You for seeing me through
Thank You that I’ve passed
Thank You for guiding me, Thank You for leading me

All these while You know what happened, You know what I’ve been going through..
You know…You know…

You notice everything I do and everywhere I go.

Way to go~ !!!

Surprise

2009-03-08T01:30:00.004+08:00

The GOD I KNOW is so so REAL…!!!

:D :D :D

Praise & Worship!!! :p

Place of agreement is Place of Power!

One Accord

One Vision

Unity.. Breakthrough.. !!!

Mahjong :) ;) :)

I Trust...The God I Know

2009-03-07T02:05:00.005+08:00

When the stage is bare tonight
There’s no one else
Just You and me
When the curtains close behind
There’s no pretense
I’m on my knees

I will lay down my life
For the love sacrifice
You gave to me
It’s all because of You
All because of You

The God I know
Righteous and Holy
The God I know
Faithful and true
The God I know
My tower of refuge
Hearts are healed
Christ revealed

The God I know
Light of the City
The God I know
Strengthens the weak
The God I know
Your heart beats within me
As You are, so are we

This is my cry
My one desire
More of You
More of You

The church He knows
Righteous and Holy
The church He knows
Is faithful and true
The church He knows
A tower of refuge
Hearts are healed
Christ revealed

The church He knows
Light of this city
The church He knows
Strengthens the weak
The church He knows
Is strong and mighty
As He is, so are we

Your love and faithfulness always keep me secure.
I know...I know...
Nothing else matters ..

Treatment

2009-03-02T01:20:00.004+08:00

It’s such a day I want to put an end…

First slept late and awoke feeling ever so disturbed and reluctant to crawl out of bed and pulled myself to be out and ready.
Wait and queue. Wait and queue. Wait and queue. From reaching early to being late.
(And these few days it’s really amazing how much time and energy were spent in this area of art!)
Feeling really hungry yet couldn’t eat.
Shoes broke! Eating the ‘kids serving’ Maggie in a cup. They appeared suddenly while I was pouring the water! In that state!
Went out to repair the shoes. But no one was there! Step by step ‘walked’ to the nearest shop to buy. Then suddenly BOOM! And it was raining cats and dogs and I was stuck!

The traffic light was spoilt! Imagine no lights (red, green, yellow) and cars were everywhere and people need to cross the road with the heavy rain…whatever has happened?!!!
Ran in the rain…

Did not go back straight. Squash in the train. Upon reaching was already very weak…
Wanting to continue reading, walked around searching for chair/bench. While walking, could feel my eyes shutting down soon. No avail!
Went up to see the blowing rain then went down again. Sat on the stairs.
Still waiting…
Finally met but was ‘tortured’ again...

Feel really hurt. Whenever you go out all way being kind and sacrificial, you got treated like XXXX and taken for granted. Do you even appreciate? Now that you want me to say, it’s like adding salt to the wound, digging up all these worries…just when I’m trying really hard to stop this nonsense, to be fine…
Hate yet love…
Now I’ve got to struggle to convince myself real hard.
Giving, sowing every little seeds, every effort, every sweat…trying sooo hard…hoping…
Why must you remind me of this fear back again?! Being silly to people…

Focus…please focus…it’s gonna be fine…I see it!!!

That Thing...

2009-02-25T11:10:00.005+08:00

I know it was not a dream. That dimension in that stage…

In between sleep and consciousness, that thin space. That vague awareness of stillness…

There were a few of them…the night seemed strange. They were like dark shadows lurking around…in one sudden moment felt something pressing forcefully on.. it was like being pushed hard down into a small hole. Lower part of the body (abdomen area) was in tremendous pain. It was difficult to breathe and move!! It was intense agony…couldn’t speak that out…

In a flash that awareness became strong…somehow realized what was happening, muttered OUT the 4 words weakly. The only powerful words that kept speaking like a chant… Right away it felt free and clear…the release. All was clear and still but the muttering did not stop. They were still near.

Those only words…peace…security…slowly falling into unconsciousness with the continuous murmuring…weak…fearing to move an inch…

A loud screeching disturbing sound sounded suddenly a distance away…knew they fled away. Far away…strange noise…

The whispering did not stop. It was an assurance. Flashes of images. Shut them off…
And finally…the heart was still beating, cold sweat…

……….

Heavenly Dream

2009-02-17T12:45:00.003+08:00

Budgets, budgets and more budgets!!! Aarrrggghhh…
Such a headache…Just can’t figure out, need to seek a confirmation. The more fear and risk, the better. It is the good training ground to get ready for more. “Kill the flesh..kill the flesh!!” ……

I’m glad and thankful that during my darkest time people are there, I spent it with my loved ones. Feels so in love…guess I would have died or still in a spiral of despair if not for my beloved God and people. Enjoyed the service and drama. Now I begin to enjoy singing freely. Next came pm. It was really one week where I felt in Heavenly World. I remembered on the first day I felt so sick and so distracted and uneasy. Throat really hurts. I couldn’t get the stamina! Kinda depressing. Fortunately was comforted after…

Each day got better and better. Wednesday was a special day. After enjoying my outing with sis, went to decorate cupcakes. What happened throughout that night till morning got me giggling till now. Whatever plans, God is still in control.

Went to visit Megan. Hope she’ll be fine and grows healthily. She likes to sleep and will cry if carried or awaken. Calm and peaceful baby. Yeah I’m coming to see you soon!

(Oh yea I'm 1 year old) *wink wink

Connection

2009-02-13T09:45:00.002+08:00

Praise God! He heard my prayer! I just got news that she has given birth!!! When? Could it be just now? Haha…It must be a healthy baby…Oh baby baby I’m coming to visit you later…

Guess Mom shall have less time to worry and have that focus now…

{Went back. Friendly and even asked me if I want egg tarts. We finally talked. Suddenly the word “SEE YOU” is so precious and lovely to me. He’s surely in control…He just made the way for me…Oh how sweet!}

I’m not going to think so much…all the feelings, emotions, past are over. Starting afresh! Whatever happens it’s going to be seeking first…It’s NOT about me..

Random

2009-02-11T09:11:00.000+08:00

Yo, I’m back from pm. I’m the earliest here haha. This is the third time I woke up so early this year. It was energetic at first but now felt tired. Some people are still in bed now…

A little struggle, a little doubt. But it’s all over! My life is your song is still playing in my mind. It was the last song before I left. This whole meeting was terrific! I still feel the cool breeze and quietness.. The morning day is really beautiful and fresh! Sunlight..sunlight

On the way back, I have this vision of someone. As I was thinking what I should do for the rest of the morning this someone appeared. And I see we were together going to some places. We were or in the process of starting and doing something. Like getting around to acquire some stuff for the training session, lots of discussion and ideas…Building..building..building.. This someone I’m waiting. Someone who’s going to be near me, lead me and work with me.

Someone, where are you???

Oh I’m going back to sleep.

This is my Cry..

2009-02-07T11:18:00.002+08:00

I just said that prayer…which managed to pull myself up from …hope and anticipation…
Why………………..???

It must be that song…or that blog. No…I’m not going to continue this way. Yesterday spoke about boldness, creativity, seeking…

And I proclaim it ONE more time, “I will overcome it with good!!! Seek, seek, SEEK, pray, Pray, PRAY!!! Get away fear! I stand strong in FAITH!!”

Lone Walk

2009-02-06T13:25:00.002+08:00

I am still in shock. I don’t wish to think whatever happened…It was a terrifying nightmare. I did not sleep well. Slept really late and woke up suddenly…throat hurts! Do you realize what has happened? It’s not the same anymore! Nothing can ever undo. The price of a mistake!!! All the hard work is gone like the wind…my effort, time…and my mind can’t seem to hold anymore of anything anymore!!!

Every time when I try to do something to pull myself up, it felt so heavy…the heart doesn’t listen to the mind. The heart would be reminded of all the memories and hope…
Every thought hurts like mad. Not another emo day…when will this end? It’s just a step…one small step…It’s just like someone dear to you just left the world and you can’t get her back. You lost and you grieve over…

As much as I wish to stand up again, it’s during such time you’re going to see how resilient you are. What doesn’t break makes me stronger……….

Play-Thing

2009-02-04T16:40:00.007+08:00

I am not going to be emo here and cry again. It’s too much and heavy a burden to carry. To be so angry ever yet trying to suppress it before I burst out and do something I don’t wish to see. You must be laughing secretly. Seriously I doubt your sincerity. Yet I trust you so much. Doing all I can to please you. Why must there always be a lack...? Why have I spend so much time and effort building something but not succeed in accomplishing anything to You?
Yes not only am I angry but disappointed. For that fraction of a second, my heart stops beating…the flesh is torn. That’s when I decided to stop. It means I’m going to move on and start this kind of life again. When I tell you will you really listen and change??

God will set me free. God will make a way. Be back on track and stop the nonsense. To smile to the world convincing myself it’s gonna be good but bleeding in the heart definitely feels NOT good. To pretend nothing happens and shrug it off. GIVE IT UP!!! It's back to the fearful days..how much time do I have? FEAR!!!

Pause

I am watching this super sad song now. It just makes me addicted. As the Chinese saying goes “yi du gong du”…As I was lunching that day someone sang it at ktv…

对你的思念是一天又一天
孤单的我还是没有改变
美丽的梦何时才能出现
亲爱的你好想再见你一面
秋天的风一阵阵地吹过
想起了去年的这个时候
你的心到底在想些什么
为什么留下这个结局让我承受
最爱你的人是我你怎么舍得我难过
在我最需要你的时候没有一句话就走
最爱你的人是我你怎么舍得我难过
对你付出了这么多你却没有感动过

That day I went to accompany and look after her. Enjoyed entertaining her (or being entertained?). Read magazine, ate cornflakes, talked, played tic-tac-toe, slept. She cheered my day! Darling, wish you’re by my side now…

Gratitude

2009-01-14T00:40:00.000+08:00

It’s such a weird day…but when I got back at night I was so so happy. I slept for very long, feeling lazy to do anything. Tried reading then ended up sleeping. Woke up to get ready for Bs. On the way, still felt like I’ve not fully awaken and hunger was fighting..
Great to have Bs again and met with the rest of the members…lol

Lots of reflection today. First I am thankful God put wonderful leaders around me. The people I can look up to, the people whom I have to learn to honour and respect. I never know there’s this bunch of cheerful, always smiling, caring, beautiful nice people! Soooo loved!
I really got to learn to obey and not be so rebellious anymore.

Oh this is the first entry of the year. Last year ended with many gatherings and party. Great to be with family and friends. Hopefully bonds will be renewed again during CNY. Work has been exciting. I don’t know where this new role will bring me to. It’s always my prayer list to breakthrough and sees the light at the end of the day. I'm gonna fight it with passion and vision!

Went facial with sis. Funny. Haha. Hopefully the weekly dinner continues. Recently been travelling from the East to West and North. Seen some of the road names and apartments I’ve used to key. Learning is everywhere indeed. I don’t know if I should continue class. Just lack the motivation and warmth. But to give up like that?? Wish to belong somewhere. The place where I love to grow up at is changing.

Entertainment of the month: Watch red cliff 2, play mahjong again.

A part

2008-12-27T13:35:00.003+08:00

This song played out of random…

明明知道你只是偶然经过
不该奢求太多
我还天真编织可笑的梦
总以为我的温柔让你不舍
朋友都问我爱你什么
这是一种直觉
就像是抬头星光闪烁突然想泪流
不在乎怀抱到最后
只剩寂寞

习惯你让我沉沦
习惯你带我飞恋着你就算世界都幻灭
习惯你给我滋润
习惯你让我枯萎
离开的那一夜别把我的梦敲碎
让我至少保留记忆完美

如果某天我和你偶然遇见
在陌生的街头
你会不会再紧紧拥着我
还是你只是沉默擦身而过
也许前生我欠你太多
这是一场宿命
注定要为你
继续的错继续地堕落
让自己再无路可走
把心伤透

习惯你让我沉沦
习惯你带我飞恋着你就算世界都幻灭
习惯你给我滋润
习惯你让我枯萎
离开的那一夜
不要轻轻叫醒我
让我能保留记忆的完美

As I was singing, memories flood back like a gush of waves. Every part, from the beginning, the time where my heart wrenches like beyond repair…for seconds I felt like I’m in that time. I really FEEL in it. I realized what I’ve been through. Perhaps calming times though seem boring may be a blessing after all. But that charm is hard to resist…I don’t regret just amazed how crazy I was and can be. How God pulled me out of that world and land in this world again. For years, that was the lifestyle. It’s just a matter of getting used and changing.

But I miss that world. I miss being in the wonders of those times…

mErRy MeRrY Xmas

2008-12-26T00:35:00.002+08:00

I am so so happy today! Their joyous face when they open the presents, the light that shines in their heart…the squeal of delight to “try” the pressies…
The happiness that comes from being thoughtful. The sense of achievement of being “valuable” despite the effort…it’s worth it after all…
Giving seems so difficult but yet it’s indeed better than receiving. Really beginning to understand the meaning of being a blessing to people…

That’s not all! Really enjoyed the dinner with them just now, the feel of family gathering really warms my heart! They’re like so cute and funny and the silly jokes just liven up the whole atmosphere. Where I don’t care and it’s just ME!

Service drama was touching too and the meaning of Christmas was felt. This idea, sowed in my thought, put to action and reaped in my heart. 2008 Christmas - a day of love, happiness, blessing and joy through giving and ‘sacrificing’. Gonna remember this day.

My toe is better now. Despite getting injured I still hope for more of such outing. It was just an accident and not a bad activity. This pain I still remember how fearful it was to change the dressing and to pull out that cotton from my flesh. Sitting there for hours little by little…yet still painful and crying for help. “God save me, God save me” kept saying but only later when I finally pulled it out did I realize God was telling me to take a step of faith. “Pull it out and I will give you the strength to bear it all” He was waiting for me to do it so that He can start healing me. The days where I could not walk properly, limping around my journey to work, to class, squeezing in the crowded bus kept looking down to make sure nobody came near my toe. Ready to attack anyone, ready to protect my leg. Walking on one leg and getting bruised on that leg…worrying about going to work…scolded for being crazy for such “minor” injury…

But yet there’s always something to be grateful and joyful for. We love because He first loves us. Because of suffering and troubles do we realize how to cherish what we have.
Just one small candle it can light up the whole place. It only takes a spark to get a fire going and soon all those around can warm up in its glowing. How beautiful the place with thousands of candles glowing! And never look down on one small candle.

Praise God!!! Enjoyed all the family dining and gathering this season. Lots of photos and memories…catch up soon!!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS

Bleak

2008-12-14T19:10:00.001+08:00

Just back from the workshop…after we parted, I’ve got this strong urge to cry. Any reason? No in particular. Just cry for what I’ve been going through. Such cold weather today…Sunday used to be a quiet and peaceful day…Special Sunday.
Totally hurt by her attitude. Reality just gave me a tight slap on my face. Hate it when I got so weak…What can cause such misunderstanding? Just one mistakes and your life is doom to ruin? The book of Ecclesiastes spoke to my heart. “Nothing makes sense. I have seen it all-nothing makes sense” (12:8) When we use our wisdom, knowledge and skill to get what we own, why do we have to leave it to someone who didn’t work for it?...
Wisdom…need so much…but it is senseless to be wise! Nothing makes sense, wisdom makes sense…it’s still better to be wise than foolish.

That day, I thought I would die. Even took a picture before I face the music, so afraid there’s no more chance. Ate at a Jap restaurant. Quite a relief. And I made it at the wedding. We accomplished so much in one day! At the end of the day, I was so tired that I couldn’t even walk and had to sleep immediately! Well it’s like once in a lifetime experience. Our family grows closer and Sunday was the breakthrough!! Praise God indeed. I wish there’ll be more holiday then we could spend time together. The breakfast, the pizza, then many outings…

I hope things will improve and get better. That day the lunch was great. Best was the Jap section. Aw.. miss Jap and that spaghetti. Wish that you’ll bring me there again. Family. Have been thinking about it recently. It’s really God’s blessing. Kids!!
Real tiring week…

Cross Roads

2008-12-03T19:05:00.002+08:00

SO much can happen within weeks…no 1 day. After the sickness, after their trip…everything crashed together during this period of mega event. The ‘S’ word makes a toil to my body.

Why have things turn out this way? As the song goes, “…can’t you give this fool a chance? A little love is all I ask, a little kindness in the night…”

Does it stop here? NO! The world doesn’t revolve around this. If there’s someone to blame, then it’s you. Taking things for granted. Being proud. Being indifferent. Being so Extra-Ordinary. That’s where you stumble. Is it really too late to do anything now? The greatest irony is that you thought you’ve sow a good right seed and done all you can…

I want you to really reflect…I want you to grow up and stop this nonsense. Stop being abnormal. Does sorries help? Can it erase all the mark you’ve left? If it can, let me say a thousand times. Why can’t you just listen and learn? Why can’t you just cherish it and be wise to utilize it?!

What a doctor! Feel so cheated by your treatment. I thought you’re the kindest person ever who is willing to talk to me. I thought you understand and trusts you! I’ve got caught in my own trap. Sadly, I still have not the courage to face it. I wish there’ll be no tomorrow and would die to my flesh right away. It’s the wrong desire…no I don’t want a shattered dream…

How many times we sin and turn away from Him? It’s definitely NOT good to be ignored. It feels fearful and you can tremble at the slightest action. My eyes are swollen. It’s too heavy and draining. I am not complaining but asking that question to me at this point in time is so disappointing. I pray that God bless you, I really wish you well. You’re a wonderful person in every way.

I really don’t know what to do. This time my “I don’t know” really works. No I can’t cry…Stop…please let it end

What I hope is good relationship and trust. Let me DO it. I really have Faith in what I can achieve. I believe in my dreams……In all things God work for the good of us.
I really wish you will change your mind…I really hope let there be miracles!!!

Let’s pray…

Session

2008-11-08T23:07:00.003+08:00

It is such a sad day. Lots of images and the recent happening gush out like stream of fountain…maybe I’m beginning to depend on him. I even look forward to the session. Should I even let him know how much I enjoy such company? The thought that someone cares just melt my icy tears…

How fortunate of her. The human can never understand the alien. He did that to make me feel better. It just makes me feel like a patient lying on bed waiting to be pushed to the operating room. I am really appreciating the kindness and treats. Family – the ironic word!

Silence. Long Pause.

Each drop of tears represents the hurt, anger, hatred, sadness, cruelty…

Letting go…it just take so much wisdom and support.

Just miss eating spaghetti again. I will always remember the unique taste added with care and concern. Wedding stress…I’m beginning to hate it. The coffee club meeting just makes everything faster. But I’m just as happy as I’m beginning to sing…yeah~

Different World

2008-10-31T23:58:00.001+08:00

I finally finish watching within like two over days (considering the lag). Quite a record though. So much to reflect and ponder from it. The plot is able to capture my attention and rather unique. Not a part bores! Even though is kinda sad in the end but you feel satisfied overall. Love her voice. She can really sing sweetly in the theme song. Those ‘kids’ are adorable and funny. Even cry with the number ten whenever he cried. Felt the motherly love, the brothership and cute characters. At least they still look ‘handsome’ while portraying the ‘extraordinary role (especially number three). He’s so humourous even when he scolds being the ‘bad’ boy. Ultimately they have to go back to where they belong. Really interesting…

Food tasting was fun. But overall don’t quite like the dishes (except the dessert).
The third workshop was really a breakthrough! Yes it’ll get better and better. MR is really talented! After service we went to eat the noodle.
Ordered the lobster soup at Jack’s where we fixed the training session.
Class-Training-Practice
Long days indeed.

Let's get to Business

2008-10-23T00:25:00.001+08:00

This past week’s been wild. Guess it’s part of transformation. Really refreshing my mind and renewing everything. Time to refocus and go for the breakthrough. I prayed. Then all these happened. Feels fearful. Like driving in the dark and can only see 100m ahead.

Meeting once again was fun. Tried the berry oreo this time. Glad that laughter came as per wish. Still can’t get used to teleconferencing. Loads that can be done but just dread it especially in this state.

Planning – Scripting – Each area to focus on which is confusing
I wish I can. But just don’t know how to understand. It’s just shit!

The 'End'

2008-10-16T12:37:00.000+08:00

The last two episodes are really unexpected. Such a twist in the plot towards the end. From laughter in the beginning till tears in the end. So far this story is the best that captures my attention!
Ancient wisdom that applies to modern day. This man seems able to know the future and always appear in the nick of time to save the day. (Haha thanks to the author!) There’s humour in his wits. His ‘man’ character (loyalty to brothers & faithful to his women). The many lovely babes who become his darling wives. Beginning to appreciate ‘ancient’ drama. Besides the commendable characters the plot makes it even exciting as it shows their vision towards a common goal – to overthrow the Emperor and restore their people.

1) Vision is the start of all beings
2) A role model to follow and respect and courtesy all essential to achieve big dreams (people either push or pull you)
3) Love and Peace the motivating factor
4) Not forgetting wisdom, intelligence…even though you are illiterate
5) Courageous and believe in self to get what you want though people advise you to quit…
6) Sincerity melts all heart
7) Man can’t resist pretty ladies (gentle, kind, sweet, understanding, adorable etc)
8) Ancient tactics for modern politics
9) A right and good heart bears good fruits
10) Be humble

It’s all about relationship. Friendship, kinship, love that matters.

Strike Back!

2008-10-12T22:50:00.001+08:00

Never thought would come here at this time. Just inspired. Memories flood back. Feel a tiny bit of strength from all these. Loads in my mind. Yes I need to straighten out all the thoughts and cut away the thorns and burn them out!

1) Do you really like XXX? If it’s a passion why feel so burden to want do well and excel?
2) What right is there to stop everything and GIVE UP? What has happened to you??!!
3) Where have those people gone to?
4) Can I still go back there? Can I?? Whatever has happened? Miss out on the fun…
5) Sentosa. I thought I can go there again! Irony is that the people around me get to go instead! Arg!
6) Suspect those wounds are still deep in hindering everything…jump down from the XXth level to crush them!
7) I miss the cycling with Cia. The love and sweetness from Heaven.
8) Since I’ve chose it why feel so defeated? They can persevere, struggle and work soo hard. Then what’s all this XXX recently? Hate it…yes it’s time…
9) Am I part if it? Do you trust me? What do you really want? Just show me the way to love you…really grateful to YOU for all…
10) My lobster sushi and soup…(once again thanks for the voucher)
11) Went to watch alone. Great show! Look like a poor scared cat…
12) I don’t want to miss gym…no more excuses!
13) Second trial session. She is as sweet and kind. I really put it on. Boy that was painful and tiring! Just press on.
14) Saw darling after work. She’s really grown. Baby wins! Wish she’s by my side.
15) Strange appetite cease gradually. At least after the super spicy meal…
16) Sat up reading and drinking hot chocolate and cheesecake.
17) Conflict…oh give me a break!
18) I actually give. Flesh cutting moment resulting to tears unknown (I need to do a ‘RE-’ evaluation asap) Arg headache!
19) I actually did all that alone and endured hunger for XXX. Thanks! The fish soup was nice. Sometimes I wonder if you purposely did that to show your love
20) There’s just so much…emphasize is on change and creativity. Enough. I can’t wait to continue my show now. Let all be buried in it…

Baby!

2008-09-27T13:12:00.002+08:00

This music just releases everything. Tears just flow freely…Yes I love them just as you. I never hear such kind of music before and the very sound just melts my heart like love flowing into your whole body.
Weariness seems to take a hold of me. True that those projects and upcoming events are gonna be fun and exciting but…
(wishing the song would continue)

Woman – hard to comprehend! Does she still hope our XXX would improve?
Random moment – While waiting for the bus, this skinny young boy suddenly zooms past me then tried to climb up the seat to go over the other side as his mom was calling him. It’s in this rectangular shape about his height. It looks like he’s going to fall and I saw him making quite an effort to balance. Plop ~ he landed safely and ran to his mom. Running back, this time more confident, he climbed again and stood on the long ‘chair’ raising his arms exclaiming, proud of himself. He looked at me vaguely then towards his mom and sister. All around was filled with energy, fun and agility. The mom was rather hostile towards him though. (as he occupied part of the seat) Boys!

We had lunch at this Jap restaurant but ate western. I ordered the salad. Harmonious relationship indeed. Just like what I always wish and now I witness. At night I went there alone (can’t keep missing like this). Perhaps already used to the heat so not much of dizziness just drained. And then the most bizarre thing happens. I actually lost the key. I keep on recalling what’s going on and walked back and forth like a million times but the key was nowhere to be found! Worse is the key belongs to my friend. The ‘workout’ already made me so drowsy then I almost fainted. Poor locker was cut. I even thought the key was in the locker…anyway what a crazy day! What a place. On the way back was a little shattered (the later part of the story was a scary confession and that I am forgiven!) The joy of being forgiven feels like a miracle! As previously similar experience happened.

She came over for discussion. I pray that all goes well. The time is coming and is here.
In the evening went to the Settlers. Food – Games – Enjoyment
So much laughter and fun together haha. I want to play!!! Need to ‘learn’ to play. Ended with girls vs. guys taboo. We stayed for a discussion of upcoming activities. SO many important things are coming…
I hope I have not forgotten about the mission. Has independence got to do with loneliness? A little breakthrough as I found out more about him. He showed me his baby’s photographs. Will she ever know?

他不爱我
牵手的时候太冷清
拥抱的时候不够靠近
他不爱我
说话的时候不够认真
沈默的时候又太用心
我知道他不爱我
他的眼神说出他的心
我看透了他的心
还有别人逗留的背影
他的回忆清除得不够乾净
我看到了他的心
演的全是他和她的电影
他不爱我
尽管如此
他还是赢走了我的心

Met up and dine together. Ordered this XXX steak with lobster soup and garlic bread. He ordered the salad and XXX juice for me. Cool ambience with nice music. He never failed to bring me to exotic places and we always have exhilarating conversation. Yeah…looking forward to the shopping, treats and movie! Hopefully be able to clear by this month. Also catch up the missing episodes of the baby!

We are Connected to Each Other!

2008-09-22T19:18:00.002+08:00

Life is a surprise. When you lose certain things, you find other doors opened for you. It sounds risky, but the excitement overcomes all. Perhaps each road also means change. But all I know is that I will always remember those times. The joy and sorrow through that door. If given a choice, I would want to stay there. That used to be where I grow up, where I really go through love…

That day we went to start the program. I thought we could start something but she was rushing. It just made me realized the art of tolerance and patience is so precious. And I think no one would want to see this girl explode in fury. Anyway had a rare meet up with Liz and we were anticipating the arrival of Wei. (Found out only later it wasn’t) Later went with them to shop for their friend BD gift. At night he suddenly called and asked me out for dinner. As usual waited for ages…kept talking till past mid-night (waking up few hours time for work). Hope one day I can go back there.

Family dinner again! Was deliberating if I should rush down as wasn’t feeling so well. Even messaged my leader for help…well ended up happily. Me enjoying the mini food and number 19 drink (LoL winks ^^) I hope that action made them happy. We all shared the durian ice-cream again then looked at the gown. Yeah what am I gonna wear? Or when is my turn? Am I the joke or the joker?

Lunched with her. I guess I’ve fallen in love with her. We really complement each other. I really cherish the chance to dine together. I was crazy cleaning when she asked. Earlier on I asked my friend as I thought she won’t be coming. We walked silently…every moment is clear in my mind. I pray that our relationship will improve and blossom. God Bless her…

Dinner with Cia after work. Been losing appetite since when. Prefer food either spicy or sour. Shared that puky yoghurt. Went back in time to catch the drama. That entire day was stuck to the screen, wanted to blog about the information overload but too giddy and rush as gonna set off to check them out. I really pray for the right home…rush again but already late for the class. In the end we went for the sauna. Such a ‘cool’ experience! Also the steamy bath. Where there’s a will, there’s a Way. [random thoughts]

Had been thinking what she said. The stress is there…to serve. Crucial time indeed!
Last but not least, the second workshop was terrific! Previously was so sick…now I really enjoy myself. Games-warming up-recording. The message reminded me of a child in a family. Quite entertaining and felt more relaxed. Went to airport for dinner. Till now I could not get my appetite back. Ordered the celery slush and potato island. Waiter was really nice too. Next day I was really thankful able to manage alone. She finally called me like to check it out. Hahaha…so sweet of her for the food :) Tell me, just how can I show it to her?

The Best is yet to Come

2008-09-10T16:30:00.000+08:00

Wow it’s about two weeks, but that seems so long…First of all, please applause for the end of the battle. Next shall be the exciting updates…

Yesterday (today too, plus many tomorrows) was a blessed day. Woke up late and had my breakfast with lunch together. Prayed. Surprise. Miracle. We crafted out two plans. We were both thrilled with Plan A. We even tried playing at home. However due to good reason, it was postponed (feel bad for disappointing her)…Plan B in action! After those chores, we were ready to set off.

Cia even took pictures of the blooming flowers on the way out. I knew this was unlike any other time. In fact it was the first time we had such funny outing. She wanted the sun to tan. I just hope it won’t rain. I know that He is leading us…while waiting for the bus, snapped some pictures to reduce the time…We kept yawning and I was worried it would kill the fun…after some walking finally we arrived! Shared our wonderful subway meal together alone in the restaurant. That was the sweetest (cookie) meal. Being energized we went to rent our bikes. Thank goodness the whole process was quick and smooth. Ready, Set, Go! Sometimes I felt like stopping but just moved on, slowly. The beach, people, dogs, trees, sky, wind, weird smell – we are in heaven!!! There isn’t a drop of rain, no sun yet cool breeze with many beautiful clouds to admire! We had the same idea to stop at the jetty. That was when ‘heaven’ was being emphasized! This time we saw the sun. It was unlike the usual burning one but one so gentle and bright where the sunshine makes one feel warmth and love.

We sat at the bench and watched the ‘fishermen’ fished. One of them caught two huge fishes. OMG they were so pure like crystal…sad I told Cia I did not want to eat any fish that day. There was this man who wore formal suit fishing too…we had a good laugh. There’s also this Australian man riding with his dog standing in the basket…LOL
He went by us many times and we kept giggling wanting to snap it. Before he went back he stopped in front of us asking us if we have dogs and told us he wanted to find good owner. He has seven dogs in Australia! We also saw many airplanes taking off up into the sky. The sea was quite polluted, even underwear was floating about…

Such light-hearted scene. The joy and love of being in nature with the magnificent sun. On the way back, Cia was behind me. We walked further up and went for dinner at the food centre. Later our long awaited durian ice-cream!!! We sat there indulge in our own happiness. She accompanied me to get some toiletries before heading back to catch the show. That is the wonderful present.

The day before, Cia cooked all the vegetables and we shared a plate of greens for dinner. It’s amazing to see funny ideas in action. On Saturday, we went to eat Thai food. The sauce was nice, tom yam soup just spice up your appetite. Later Cia came to finish up and we ordered this Mango glutinous dessert. What was left was the poor rice. I was excited about the idea of buying donuts for them. (But kinda sad no one really appreciate) Cia bought the yoghurt. Two weeks ago, we also had our post birthday dinner for Cia at Pu Tian. Later went bowling and hey not bad skills for me! We played photo hunt. Addictive and fun. Could get heart attack if overdose. Felt relaxed after long work…

The workshop was a time where I gained knowledge and exposure to their background. All I want is practice and more practice now!!! Yes, I love my voice. I want my voice to shine. That Ktv session was just fantastic. I pray that God will help me overcome it. The best part was the rock song where we stood on the sofa singing and getting high. As time passed the songs got harder and harder. Haha

Had the study session in the open air area, good view and cooling. More to go…homework :P Lastly the battle was enjoyable. Fought to my last breath. Thanks for those who stand by me.

By the Sea

2008-08-28T18:08:00.002+08:00

It isn’t good feeling sick. It makes one drowsy and tired. All those plans put on halt. Perhaps it’s the rain…walking in the rain. And it kills the mood to sing or outdoor activities. And I’m trying to do all I can to stay awake and work it out…

That night, we went to this cool romantic boat for dinner. Due to the after-rain we could not go up the open area. I saw the fishes swimming under while dining. The view was magnificent. I saw the vast sky, clear moon, felt the cold breeze and listened to the sound of the waves. It was dark and ‘scary’ (figuring where I was in the dark ocean). Nevertheless it was great to be refreshed after the long day.

Another dark night at the east coast where we ate and chat. Took some pictures too. Hope the birthday girl ‘feels’ the surprise! The discussion encouraged and gave me the confidence again. And ExCiTiNg! Glorious in all my battles! Faith in victory!

The trial was quite an experience too! This lady is really very kind and friendly. Hope to have more of such fun soon! Looking forward to see them again, new classes, my baby, work…

Breakthrough

2008-08-16T23:28:00.001+08:00

Feel so tired but happy. My legs are in pain, eyes are popping out…nevertheless that was quite a breakthrough. That’s right, that should be the way. The talent quest was quite an experience. Being charged from morning all the way…’fighting’ the battle between physical and mental strength. I love my professional image…the last part ended with some gathering and jokes. I wanted to continue but my partner seemed so worn out already! ‘Ouch!’ (Aching everywhere) Arrg super tired but tomorrow is another exciting day awaits!

That song reminds me strongly about those times. I don’t really listen to that but recently memories just flood back. From the trip…will I have the courage back then if I go through all that again?

After the short training, I went back. She was not there. Somehow I feel there’s this subtle distance which I don’t know what it means. Each time I know her, I grow more amaze. That issue which I really want to know but pray silently she would initiate and announce the good news. Do I have to bear the loneliness? Anyway these 3 days was really cool! We ate at this romantic Jap restaurant to discuss the plan and chatting with them just brings me out of the mood. Natural and fun. It made me realized how much I’ve changed. Being and working with them is so exhilarating!

The workout was not enough. Rushed to class after that. It was fUnNy, but it was not funny! I ought to be more serious! Shopping was great too. Beautiful things are everywhere and temptation increases.. And yes time to sleep. *yawn

The Not So Sunny Day

2008-08-05T10:20:00.001+08:00

It is really tough…just when I needed everyone…it’s a struggle…it’s painful and hideous. These evil people, yes you know who you are..whipped me countless times on my body. Those blood and scars..causing so much agony to others. The one whom I’ve hurt I’m really sorry. I hope I can do something for you, even means getting all these…I didn’t mean it.

What kind of treatment is this? You reap what you sow. But maybe this is for me. But you have NO right to rob others of anything.

Every word, every strength stamped with anger-hurt-disappointment.
Thanks for the tears and pain. Because…they’ll only make me even stronger in the battle..

Munchy Moive

2008-08-02T00:15:00.002+08:00

Finally can come here to comment…”Hooray” for Chibi!!! It is really a terrific and marvelous movie! Beauty in its art…and it just ended at the climax?? It just makes history interesting. Everything is great except it should be longer…The Chinese feel is back…The wit and the battle…wow

Saw a sms and quite surprised a long time friend actually asked me out for lunch. Happy to meet and eat together and chat about those days.. This week lots of eating together. Enjoyed this Salmon wasabi while studying..then at night continued at Café Cartel.
Jog a little as don’t feel very well (Cia was way ahead). That unwell day, got mixed up with the time. Surprised she did not say anything, anyway it’s getting better.

Feel that our relationship has improved and like the kind of harmony. Very encouraged by the remark. At least I know the stage..yes it’s time for the ‘fun’. Two images: money and phone. Put these together what do you get?

Life's Like...

2008-07-27T23:32:00.004+08:00

Plan to watch some songs, but tempted to come here for a break first. LoL
This week has been rather interesting. Had lunch with him for a short drive up and ate the best local XXmee. Later took cab rush down for the gathering. That place is so fated…the name just reminds me…cool and chilly and totally like a brand new world. Yummy food, great chat and games. Till late and then work all the way…Power, and more power!

However morning got worried as I felt so unwell and gosh puke to the scariest sight! No time to even eat or drink properly…kept praying…perhaps the food came in time to save me. The steam made me warmer too. The art of endurance.

The running was smooth but did not have a proper lunch…suddenly remember next week they are leaving. OMG I have not even seen her. Or rather them. My cute baby!! Where are you?!

And it’s getting late…goodnight!

Action!

2008-07-23T22:55:00.000+08:00

The workout was good. There’s more to go. Yes can do so much more. Nevertheless is a good start. The view was magnificent and I can’t wait to jump into the water. Nice sky and colourful buildings. Kinda link to my childhood times when I remember we used to go down to play. Especially those ‘catching’ kind, there was so much energy.. would do all sorts of trick. Those that seemed scary took me some time to finally ‘do it’. The feel of overcoming the fear made me like the most courageous. I was always the most energetic, never tired. It feels just like yesteryear. Leader of the gang. There is always something new. Also the ‘painful’ days…

It was a cooling night. Standing at the top with the breezy feel. Was telling her about the sporty young me…hope the sweat will wash away all the tears.
Perhaps it is confusing now, maybe that was too great a thing to bear. But one day everything will come to light. What’s unknown will be known…Till then, let’s continue running! :p

Wounded

2008-07-19T00:20:00.003+08:00

Wounded

This song reminds me.. Is this a day where I have to go through that again? Songs…each feels differently. I thought…I always thought it’s nothing. In fact I thought it would be fresh new…Hate the ‘whys’…XXX can’t it just stop? It just pains…every word, every thought…dragging the burdens…Sadness cannot be friends with happiness. You can do so much. For no reasons. You can remember so well. Simply wonderful!!!

Maybe she’d think I am crazy…maybe she’s irritated. Yes maybe time will tell…

Birthday Baby

2008-07-10T17:18:00.000+08:00

Birthday Baby

This is so exciting! Such sweet & sour July…had wonderful before, during and after celebration!!! :) :) :)
That evening met her to shop then later he came fetched me for the dinner. I had told him wanted some cool, fun and romantic place and trying new recipe. Once the door opened, “Wow beautiful…” It was too dark to capture anything.
“Cheers” with the red wine, great food! Presence of Fireworks will magnify the whole atmosphere. Exhilarating conversations…Love the bustling activities, people of all nations and background. The black, white, brown, yellow.. the brown even took care of the black making sure she is well-fed. Later he brought me back…

Despite such tough times, I learn to endure. And really means ENDURE. One of them is temptations. God sure has His way of surprises.
On that day I spent the time with my precious peoples. The talk was about what I was facing. Later I witnessed what I never ever in my life. (I weep silently too, all so heartbreaking) Then rushing around, hoping time will go slower.

Had steamy dinner with so many of them too. We cooked, talked, posed, walked, joked, laughed. Wondered why everyone was in this slow posing and walking. Next I saw this orange light lane glowing then heard the song…cool ‘gang’ atmosphere.

Had a second study session. Ordered this wasabi tuna sandwich with chips sort and this special green tea yet not so green drink. Had another surprise when suddenly in this people filled area this lovely love pinky cake appeared. The wind kept blowing the candle. LoL what humourous scene. We went out and I was so touched by all their effort. Thank you everyone. Love the present too. Finally faced my fear. And yes I WILL continue. I pray that I will work very hard, all those projects etc…

And the story continues…

To be continued...

2008-07-08T10:57:00.004+08:00

To be continued...

Stay Tune for the Birthday Updates...
Heh HeH!!!

UNknown

2008-07-02T23:41:00.001+08:00

UNknown

I am deliberating whether I should write something. Maybe it’s lead me to somewhere…maybe I’ll understand even more. I did not know tears can be in so abundance…just when I needed them. It was crazy.

I’ve never felt like this. It only made me realized how useless one can be. Like after all the cries, the heart suddenly stops. Bit by bit I slowly remember…
Maybe I should really let go of the rope. Maybe it’ll be better for that girl. Maybe someday I’ll forget the warmth. Maybe it’ll be good to be left unknown…

To-night

2008-06-30T14:30:00.002+08:00

To-night

Gosh…feel so dreamy in this hot cloudy afternoon! Maybe I’m standing on the clouds…
Mind-Stirring Song:

Tonight I celebrate my love for you
It seems the natural thing to do
Tonight no one's gonna find us
We'll leave the world behind us
When I make love to you

Tonight I celebrate my love for you
And hope that deep inside you'll feel it too
Tonight our spirits will be climbing
To a sky filled up with diamonds
When I make love to you, tonight

Tonight I celebrate my love for you
And that midnight sun is gonna come shining through
Tonight there'll be no distance between us
What I want most to do, is to get close to you
Tonight

Tonight I celebrate my love for you
And soon this old world will seem brand new
Tonight we will both discover how friends turn into lovers
When I make love to you

Tonight I celebrate my love to you
And that midnight sun is gonna come shining through
Tonight there'll be no distance between us
What I want most to do, is to get close to you
Tonight I celebrate my love for you
Tonight

This song keeps playing in my mind ever since.. Don’t know why. The Beauty & The Beast refreshes my childhood time. Just before the last petal falls, Beauty exclaimed the “I lOve You” to the Beast. A beauty who truly loves a beast that turns him back into a handsome prince!
Yes tonight!

Falling in love with movie & singing. Yea awaiting the show now. Yea audition tomorrow.
Gotta work on my vocals now. If only…

Play Time

2008-06-24T16:55:00.000+08:00

Play Time

It has been quite meaningful past week. Long hours of activities, challenges to overcome…Even though I feel that it is not enough but I know I am growing. Singing is so fun! Acting to sing is even great!

The chalet was terrific too! Oh can’t wait to share…
It was rush initially but later so happy to meet them. Bought this cute slipper :)
We took the bus to Harbour Front and on the way was ‘entertained’. Later we went to buy drinks and stuff then took the train to the beach. The bus ride was cool with some ‘entertainment’ yet again.

Finally we arrived at the resort. The room was cool with roof top Jacuzzi and OMG the view at the top was so nice! (too bad did not capture it) Later we went to the beach to play Frisbee and ball. So happy! Been ages since ball games. It is really good to play with my fullest energy. Just imagine, the clear blue sky, clouds, sea, ships, nature, sand, people…Little Swallow loves the freedom!

Later we went up to walk and explore. I was sharing about my wish and we captured the most beautiful sunset scene! The fireworks add music to the night! First time is always so precious and memorable. We went for a swim after mid night. I still remember the feeling when I went down. Cold, strange and dark. Later to Jacuzzi, under the starry night, colourful surroundings, laughter and night activity. Even eating in it. After the shower, felt fresher. Tried to sleep on the stairs (by then everyone was lying in all position haha!) Doing things secretly when everyone is asleep is so exciting! LoL.

It would be so romantic with your loved one, even just lying on the shoulder feels so warm and safe. After sleeping, God led me to His place. Now the story just begins! Guess after some rest, it’s time for a brand new life! Everything would be new and fun. Many projects coming and I have faith in all of them!

Thank you everyone, Thank you God for everything! :p

The Sunny June

2008-06-16T20:15:00.001+08:00

The Sunny June

I have finally thought through things. I pray that I will remain faithful in all things and believe in the days to come! It takes so much of time to be emotionally weak…
I have to stop wasting time and recharged again. To be positively charged.

Yesterday did not know why felt so teary and weak. Tears just washed my face in the early morning. Later I bought the books. Finally! I’ve never spent so much on this…once again it gave me the idea for the book area…Random thought of if one could finish reading the entire shop, one would definitely be wise and alive! But how much can we do in our whole life? At night we went to that seafood again. Saw this cute dog that makes mw so happy and secretly snap a picture (too bad got caught heh heh)
We went bowling after that. Glad my score improved…was dead beat to do anything after that. Can’t believe how much I’ve stretched!
Still waiting for the Ktv session.
Class was fun again. We did (or I) something new and I was inspired about music again.

Now that I look back, I feel that God has been leading me all this while, keeping me safe and warm. Even though I felt lonely but I had time with my family, friend, being so in love with singing…
I can definitely do so much more! I need to regain my focus…
This is a special month. Remind me of someone special too. And it is also the month of reaching that stage…Also a busy and tired month. Also my anniversary of a special moment…the beginning of love etc. A powerful yet weak month. The eve of next special month. :p

Hope that I can learn to enjoy the other half of this month, have great fun everyday and being in love, again!
June, wait for me ~

Addiciton

2008-06-10T18:20:00.000+08:00

I have so much to say…but now this video makes me speechless…so touched and inspired that I’m lost…I just want to join her on stage…
This is such a powerful voice, the voice is so beautiful!!!

Omg I’m gonna learn this song…yes I’ve been singing continuously for the past hours…yet felt not enough. Our emotional capacity is so big! I feel so much like singing now and this song melts my heart…Such a simple song yet so strong. So happy…been quite some time since I ever put in all my feelings to the songs.

I have to stop emo-ing. It’s time to get back to work.. “I know you can do it”:p
After this I’m going for a run. I hope that everything will resume back. But my heart needs a break!!

State

2008-06-09T00:03:00.000+08:00

Suddenly feel so excited…and happy after seeing something. It just brightens my night, because energy, peace and happiness spread. I just know that somewhere out there someone is smiling…:) :) :)

Tired…really feels an empty shell.
“Never give up….be patient in time of trouble and never stop praying…”
Meeting at TCC was great. Love my mango yoghurt! I should really start to focus on my work…I hope that I will improve through it and be wiser in all handling…
Monday has always been quiet and peaceful. Pray that I will have the strength to go through the days to come…

There’s still about 30% of time of emo-ing. And it gets especially serious at certain time. My heart is bleeding…badly…sometimes wishing that someone would kill me but then no worries I’ll be all right. :p
Isn’t there a balance? Must it be the extreme? Is either do or break it.

Still deciding if I should go Sentosa tomorrow. Part of me want to be out happily yet another part wanting to rest. Emotional rest…Follow your heart?

Tough Time

2008-06-08T22:45:00.001+08:00

Yo! Not another emo post lol. Those who have seen or been with me recently would ‘witness’ those emo moments…
It was a whole day (about 19hrs conscious) of activities yesterday. Yea I still crave for my wine…Woke up about 6 plus getting ready (miss performance) then reached early thus went to buy milk. The teacher was early too (he was sick, God Bless) and everything went peaceful till about after lunch. Sometimes I wonder if foods do kills? Maybe I’m getting restless…counting down and trying hard to concentrate. Maybe I’m not a good worker, maybe our expectation is different…whatever! I had enough of aches…

Yes feel that everyone sang very well and improve. When is my turn? Miss the days being up…smiling, rehearsing…Smiling? Hahaha
It has always been there. Each time is a different feel. Gosh…emo songs…

Long pause

I actually don’t know how to write out about this…omg
Anyway I like the whole concept. Relax to be entertained. Took some pictures…
Maybe I am drunk…I don’t know why I say or do the things I did. But how am I gonna make you understand? (Blog halfway, go chat)

That day was a miracle, I lost my MP pouch (perhaps I fell asleep in the bus and lost there) and went Sim Lim to find. I just know I will get it. I even called to ask and searched around. Just then I walked past this counter with some China phones and out of the blue asked God where I can find my pouch. Just then, this man asked me whether I want to look at it. I asked if they sell MP pouch. (I was already holding my MP since the first tried shop) I showed him and he said “yes”. They actually got the exact pouch for my kind of MP. I requested for a look and BINGO exactly the same. And guess what? It only costs $3! I don’t mind even paying $10 (the first shop sold some about that price). So thankful and happy!!! Within just 1 day…and the time I was given.. Thanks!!!

Goal for singing: Keeping strong and fit. I ought to be tougher. In all ways. I just know I will do it. Just like how I got a brand new pouch.

“Relationships are like a book, in that they are for learning.” - Marshall Sylver

Time heals? Never give up…faith in hope. Failed..again and yet again. Yes laugh if you want. The 4-letter word!.

Living by the deep ocean

2008-06-03T14:10:00.002+08:00

Memories…how precious are them. Yet like wind they move through and past you before you even catch them.

Love can’t you see I’m alone
Cant you give this fool a chance
A little love is all I ask - a little kindness
In the night
Please don’t leave me behind
No – don’t tell me love is blind
A little love is all I ask and that is all

Oh love I’ve been searching so long
I’ve been searching high n low
A little love is all I ask - a little sadness
When you’re gone
Maybe you need a friend
Only please don’t lets pretend
A little love is all I ask and that is all

I wanna spread my wings - but I just cant fly
As a string of pearls and pretty girls go sailing by

Ocean deep – I’m so afraid to show my feelings
I have sailed a million ceilings - in my -
Solitary room
Ocean deep - will I ever find a lover
Maybe she has found another
And as I cry myself to sleep
I know this love of mine Ill keep - ocean deep

Love can't you hear when I call
Cant you hear a word I say
A little love is all I ask
A little feeling when we touch
Why am I still alone?
I’ve got a heart without a home
A little love is all I ask - and that is all

I wanna spread my wings - but I just cant fly
As a string of pearls and pretty girls go sailing by

Ocean deep – I’m so afraid to show my feelings
I have sailed a million ceilings - in my -
Solitary room
Ocean deep - will I ever find a lover
Maybe she has found another
And as I cry myself to sleep
I know this love of mine Ill keep - ocean deep

I’m so lonely lonely lonely...
Maybe..Maybe
(Ocean deep)
On my own in my room
Maybe..Maybe
I'm so lonely
(Ocean deep)
I'm so lonely , I'm so lonely ...
This love of mine I’ll keep…Ocean deep……

I wish I can lie there all day. I wish I can read peacefully in that warm environment, freely and happily. I wish I do not have to do all those work, where I can rest my soul, running around like a child in this green grassland…the bright sun smiling cheerily at me. Him waving to me above the clouds, the rainbow appears beautifully in front of me. I wish I can feel the love of all nature, hear the sweetest voice of angels, the warm feeling of the sand and the ever flowing happiness of the love. No more worries and burdens that weigh my whole shoulders down. I wish it NOW!

Destined to be alone, to fulfill the work assigned, only to die a glorious death…
Maybe I can’t sing, maybe I’m not good, but that’s the voice I’m blessed with. The choice to create..and express.

It’s sure exciting to be involved in meeting. The first ever powerful meeting. I’ve to start getting used and get things action through meeting. Is it right and wise to do the things I’m doing now? If it’s right but no happiness will you do it?

That day I finally had the ice-cream with someone. It was a good meal and I remembered to take photos for posting. However no time for the coffee, much to say walk. We took express train to class.

While blogging the music keeps replaying. I’m singing in my heart to my heart.
“…Why am I still alone? I’ve got a heart without a homeA little love is all I ask - and that is all…”

Secret Life

2008-05-30T14:00:00.002+08:00

Secret Life

I guess I’m gonna be lonely today. Looking forward for so many days..Dashed plans when this friend suddenly told me it’s too far. It’ll be so wonderful if we can meet up and relax in this city wonder…it’s not really about what we do but I’ll wish you’ll join me in this sweet indulgence and just to stop ‘work’ for 1 day. Yes, despite saying that but I can’t. LoL

Surprise that so much surprise keep coming today, now I’ve this great opportunity again and it’s killing me. I don’t know if he’ll call me again but I’m torn in between.
Went for this rare breakfast together and discuss plan to go KTV next week. I was like “Want to go sing never ask me lar?!!!” Hahaha (Anyway see if I can make it)

Yes it doesn’t feel good when hope=disappointment. Yes I know I should be happy, I am grateful for all the abundance and beautiful life. So many things to execute…stretch myself to the max. BUT my heart is calling out……has it heal? Is passion flowing?
Ok enough of Love. I guess all achievements also can’t win this special 4-letter word.

Let me just rest for this 1 day…to really let go and FEEL the magic. Let my Singing heals this renewed Heart…
Thank You.

An emo Day

2008-05-19T23:25:00.001+08:00

It is such an emo whole day…getting numb to whatever ache that is left.
Emo songs, thoughts, feelings, memories…

That longing…but God is Faithful to me.

I have to stay focus. The fun and excitement is waiting for me in this brand New life!
Yes it was a great 1 week. And it will be even better this week. Anyway emo do help in singing I guess it’s good for me to emo till cry.

Had a delicious bubble tea and walk. Had experience an example of a good service. It means being sincere and honest in all dealings. Not to mention money! Good learning indeed. He even mentioned the soft voice and suggested I learn singing. Heh heh…also told me tips for exercising. Had a wonderful time just browsing and reading. So many books that I can’t wait to buy over the whole shop! Had a simple dinner and an emo ride home.

One day I’ll definitely have a powerful and confident voice. Didn’t I just do it? Recent events kinda discourage me to sing. I wish so hard someone is with me. (random thought as something loud just sounded making me jump, freaking shock!)
"Will I have an emo dream tonight?" Perhaps.

Yeah changed the blog skin (temporary) to enhance the ‘feel’. Thanks for the work girl :p
Yes, gonna work on it. What an emo post! Hope it doesn’t sound too funny (by the way the writer writes with an emo face…) Till then ~

Beyond Stars

2008-05-04T17:05:00.002+08:00

In the beginning, there are 3 friends. Three of us being of different background, age and role in society. Though we each are doing different things in our own life we all share the same dream. Our friendships are linked though this one place where we often meet. Along the way we share many beautiful memories and laughter. Due to gender difference, I was closer with one friend than the other. The other is on his way to his dreams.

I thought I will be part of his dream. I thought we would be together to magnify this dream and to work together for the common good. Just when everything seems to be going smoothly and peacefully, changes occur along the way. Events, circumstances and three of us change too while fighting for our daily survival. I always thought dreams are the happiest with the people you love. But people may fail us.

This dear friend has left to focus on her priorities of her life. I was left with this friend who is the dearest to me since the beginning. He taught me many things. He changed my life. I have many wonderful dreams with him. With him, I feel a ray of hope. I remain strong to every obstacle along the rocky way. I thought he share the same feelings as me. Life is magnificent with the love of your life fighting for the same dream together.

However I soon realize what I want doesn’t match what I’ve dreamed it would be. There is still a difference in each of our dreams. When I experience we cannot be together fulfilling this magic dream of mine, my world almost crush. Should I give up? Doubts fill my mind. I was left alone. My now seem impossible dreams with no help and encouragement from my dearest friends stand far away from me.

Suddenly the lamp glows dimmer with the tears adding to the darkness. Just then I look up and saw the million of stars above me. They ever shine so brightly lighting up my surroundings. I do not know if we all still share the same dreams. Maybe one day, we will all be together again. Each star represents one of my dreams. Reach out for them is impossible but I know they will always be with me no matter where I go.

All I need is to follow them patiently, believing in their ever beauty and one day they will lead me to where they want me to be. Thank you friends, thanks for giving me dreams. Thank you for all the love and happiness I once had. You are part of my dreams. I hope I can be yours too!

Beautiful Life

Love Letter

Sweetest Devotion

010111

***HUGsss***

He has made everything beautiful in its time.

Start of a New Chapter

Healing

P.E.A.C.E

Hold my hands and walk with me

Faith, Hope, Love

I know you.

Miss AC

It's gonna be ALL GOOD

Walls

Magnificent

The story of Faith

Got to Find a Way Out

The Irresistible

Bruised.

Be Brave

Through it All

A Brand New Life

Goodbye 2009 ~

Musical Sea

Heavenly Sound

A Home

1 Peter 5:7

Cold Heart, Warm Blood

REALity

WE are ONE

I want it.

In Your House

By the Sea

Because of You

Letter

Speechless

Weak v.s Strong

Rain down..Breathe on..

- eMo -

Tested

Blessings

Screaming II

Vision

Waiting for You

God Of My Forever

Drawing Near

W.o.r.r.y

a Different Beat

Come what may

Long Updates…

Gift: Healing

Sower Reaper

Screaming

Train Ride

I want to go Home!

Hope

T.H.A.N.K.S

Surprise

I Trust...The God I Know

Treatment

That Thing...

Heavenly Dream

Connection

Random

This is my Cry..

Lone Walk

Play-Thing

Gratitude

A part

mErRy MeRrY Xmas

Bleak

Cross Roads

Session

Different World

Let's get to Business

The 'End'

Strike Back!

Baby!

We are Connected to Each Other!

HUGsss